These are turbulent times. Even places that are not usually so turbulent seem to be getting pretty turbulent. Unfortunately, the Middle East is still leading the pack as far as regions that are quite turbulent.
There are so many complex issues that cause tension in the Middle East. There are intractable religious, political and philosophical differences at play, and of course the eternal dispute of who exactly invented the falafel.
But no problem is unsolvable. Not when delightful 80s cartoon icons THE CARE BEARS are on the case.
The Care Bears (L), being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).
In the spirit of remaining committed to the idea of offering up potential foreign policy fixes – based largely on inadequate research, internet skimmings, lessons learned from Operation Dumbo Drop, and cartoons – we humbly offer this Care Bear path to peace in the Middle East.
12. Ease tensions through inter-community “Care Bear Countdowns.”
11. Acts of forgiveness, reconciliation and compromise to be rewarded with cash prizes, hugs, and Grams Bear’s famous oven fresh care cookies.
10. Increase interfaith hand-holding by 300% by 2015.
9. Weekly, highly concentrated Care Bear Stares into volatile neighborhoods.
8. Netanyahu and Abbas to perform a musical number together about sharing, under the stern but capable direction of Grumpy Bear.
7. Flood the region with regular rainbow assaults.
6. In conjunction with the NSA, build a ‘Non-Caring Person’ database/watch list of those exhibiting uncaring tendencies; monitor them closely, and eventually persuade them to care again through a barrage of uplifting positivity and self-affirming encouragement.
5. Everyone gets a Cloud Car to ride around in.
4. Repeat offenders and unrepentant non-sharers will be paid a visit by Braveheart Lion.
3. Those who display a callous attitude or are mean will be immediately sent to the Care-a-Lot Rehabilitation Facility for an indefinite period of time.
2. The age-old sowers of discord Professor Coldheart, Beastly and Shreeky must be neutralized once and for all.
1. Oopsy Bear will be given some sort of mundannewe, ancillary task to avoid screwing this whole thing up.
Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.