Festivus

“A Festivus for the rest of us!” - Frank Costanza

Dear friends, Festivus is fast approaching (Dec. 23). Don’t worry I didn’t get you anything either. That’s okay because Festivus is not that kind of celebration.

While Festivus was technically created in the 60s by writer Dan O’Keefe, the holiday as it exists today was introduced to us by the great Frank Costanza (via O’Keefe’s screenwriter son who wrote it into the script) in one of the best Seinfeld episodes of all time, “The Strike.” This 1997 episode was packed with legendary antics and one-liners that would quickly become part of our vernacular (“The Human Fund,” the “Two Face,” Kramer on strike: “It’s a walk out!” Elaine’s sub card, etc.), but the introduction of Festivus spawned something transcendent: an actual holiday that is observed around the world to this day. It is officially a thing. And while invented for comedic purposes, perhaps other major holidays could learn something from the traditions of this special day?

Festivus means different things to different people, so I can only offer what it means to me. But together, I hope we can unearth the true meaning of Festivus.

To kick things off, let us begin with… the Airing of Grievances.

Five Fluffy Animals

I want to start with an acknowledgement that fluffy animals are not the sort of manly thing we usually discuss around here. But if having a daughter has reminded me of anything, it’s that fluffy animals are indeed delightful. I don’t care who hears me say that.

We’re gonna take this even further… Not only are we presenting a list of 5 of the world’s fluffiest animals, we are ranking them according to snuggle-ability; meaning the animals we’d most like to snuggle.

Of course this is a bit arbitrary but those are the parameters as set by my lil’ pumpkin – who you DO NOT want to cross.

Without further ado let’s continue the time-honored art of making arbitrary lists about animals!

5. Hedgehog– Most of us think of Sonic when we think hedgehogs. Athletic, spry, highly motivated ring-grabbing heroes… Man what a misleading portrayal. It turns out that real hedgehogs are hilariously fluffy globs of slothful helplessness. Perfect for snuggling though.

No chance he’d make it around one of those loop-de-loops and defeat Dr. Robotnik.

4. Bear cub (black, brown or polar) – There’s just something so alluring about danger-snuggling something so powerful that could potentially eat you like a flopping salmon.

3. Golden Lion Tamarin – Despite a traumatic childhood event involving a ferocious monkey attack (“Surely this monkey tethered to a tree outside our shady hotel here in Costa Rica is tame and trustworthy? OH NO HE BITES GET HIM OFF AHHH!!!”), this little fella could be the bridge I need to turn my night terrors into sweet dreams.

2. Arctic Fox – I had a business idea a couple years back where you charge people to take naps with a skulk of arctic foxes. (Any angel investors out there want in on the ground level of an exciting opportunity???) Living in Florida and finding out that arctic foxes are extremely aggressive face-rippers have hampered this initiative’s progress.

1. Red Panda – Red Pandas might be the cutest animals in the world. Relatives to the larger black and white pandas, raccoons, and of course Mario from Super Mario 3 (after getting the leaf), I wouldn’t mind having to vacuum all that red fluff out of the carpet if a pumpernickel of pandas* came to visit.

*Since red pandas tend to be solitary creatures and therefore don’t have a group nickname, let’s just go with “pumpernickel of pandas” for now. 

Fall Favorites: The 5 F’s of Fall

Apparently it is now Fall. Whatever that means; it was like 93 degrees here yesterday. Every year in Florida we rely on other people to tell us when seasons are allegedly changing elsewhere in the world, so I have to assume you guys are telling us the truth.

Despite not having much in the way of changing seasons, I do look forward to this time of year – if only to live vicariously through the quaint things you upper 47’ers do with all your pumpkins, snow and leaves. Here are the five things that to me, encapsulate all that is wonderful about this time of year.

Finding Your Roots

Since turning 30, I’ve been feeling a bit more mature. Beers made by monks rather than Steel Reserve, a little less Sportscenter, a little more PBS. Tryin to cut down on the hot pockets, etc.

The increased PBS has led to a gem called Finding Your Roots – a genealogical show hosted by Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. It’s a delightful program that traces peoples’ descendants back as far as records allow, often into the 1600s. The program is poignant for several reasons; not the least of which is the way it highlights how little we Americans know about our origins and forebears.

Fatherhood

Certainly one of the biggest topics we’ll tackle here. I’ll try not to gush. But seriously my baby is cuter than 1,000 dancing pandas in sailor outfits.

Simply put, there’s nothing else like becoming/being a father.

I’ll be the first to admit you can’t really understand until it happens to you, until you hold that precious little loaf in your arms. But man it is awesome. Terrifying and  challenging, certainly. But awesome and life-changing and all those other dad clichés, they’re all true – if not wholly inadequate understatements.

I’d like to say that becoming a daddy has somehow made me a better person, but if anything, the experience provides daily confirmation of my innumerable deficiencies.