FINANCIAL OPPORTUNITY

I’ve always thought that one of the greatest tragedies of all these email scams is that they hurt all the dignitaries out there who really do need your assistance regarding a sensitive financial matter. Consider the following…

Greetings Blessed Benefactor,

My name is Barrister John Smyth. I hail from a small village in West Africa and I need your help with a highly sensitive financial matter.

Please do not delete this! Allow me to explain…

I know what you’re thinking, “This sounds like one of those Internet scams originating out of West Africa wherein the scammer promises a large sum of money for a small one-time investment…” etc.

You’re not going to believe this, but I actually am a barrister, I actually did find you through an Internet search, and I actually do need your help to secure a most munificent transfer of funds. What are the odds, am I correct?

Please do not let the misdeeds of others or the astronomical odds of you being selected for this generous, unsolicited financial opportunity taint the integrity of this very important message.

Ferdinand Magellan Fires Up Modern-Day Portugal

Caramba.

Portugal, it’s time for a chat. I’ve just been kind of hanging out, forlornly navigating the nether realms the last 500 years, but enough is enough. Clearly you need a pep talk.

There was a time when Portugal was great. I mean truly big-time. Harlem Shake? Are you kidding me? At one point in the 16th century, a quarter of the earth’s inhabitants were doing the Lisbon Shimmy – provided they had finished their 15-hour shift of brutal forced labor and yielded sufficient production for the day.

It’s time we recapture our glorious heritage. Do you remember what that even entails? Do you remember what I did? Or to a much lesser extent what Vasco da Gama or Henry the Navigator did?

I’ll tell you what I did. I navigated the crap out of planet earth – not so much for myself or my Spanish paymasters – but for you. I captained a ship that circumnavigated the world so future generations of Portuguese meninos e meninas could have what I never got to enjoy.

I didn’t intrepidly sail around the world with a crew of rough men, eating penguin flippers, dodo bird legs and shoe leather; enduring storms, loneliness and unbelievable hardship for my own benefit. I sailed for you.

My parents died by the time I was 10, so I had to grow up fast. I spent what little time I had exploring, risking it all, advancing, and fighting; until I got speared to death on a remote Philippine island. Do you have any idea what that was like? It was awful. Yet I died a horrific death 8,000 miles from home not for my own gain, but to ensure a glorious future for mother Portugal. The last few hundred years I can’t help but question this decision.

Look at you now: a debt-ridden country bereft of overseas possessions that has had to legalize drugs because everyone is so sad. Clearly this sadness is due to a lack of maritime glory.

I feel we have lost our noble Portuguese identity. We are a land that is smaller than those bobos North Korea, or even the U.S. state of Indiana, yet we have given the world so much. The delight of sardines, the faux hawk – that was totally Cristiano Ronaldo – and Fogo de Chao? You may think of that as more of a Brazil thing, but the way I see it, the riches of Brazil, Cape Verde, Mozambique and Goa are yours, Portuguese people.

The spoils of these savage lands are your birthright. In fact, a fellow apparition just informed me that Angola now has better job prospects than our beloved motherland. So there you go. It’s all out there, you need only tap your inner navigator and set sail for a new Portuguese Golden Age.

I exhort you, Portuguese homens e mulheres, recommission the caravels and raise your masts. Plunge your padrões into foreign lands and stake new claims.

Reclaim your birthrate. Rediscover your heritage. Reclaim greatness. For Portugal, for God, for future glory.

- F. Magellan

440s – 450s A.D.

A while back we did a post on what the world was like in 1555 A.D. That was a lot of fun and I’ve been watching those awesome “Mankind” shows on the History Channel lately, so how’s about another foray into our spicy past? This time, we’re looking at another great era for the letter F: the 440s – 450s. A.D.

What was happening then? What were we doing? Who was blading and javelin-ing whom? What sorts of fluffy, pointy hats were en vogue? Was America rockin’ it superpower-style? The mighty Atilla the Hun died how?

Come with me as we delve into these dark, dank, kinda’ depressing decades that featured decadence for few, and decapitations for many. We don’t have much patience or relevant expertise room, so we’ll just look at a couple folks who were big at the time and skim some general happenings of the day.

By 440 A.D., the world was changing fast. The glory days of the intellectual Greeks had passed, the Roman Empire had been sliced into Western and Eastern entities and was careening toward its demise in 476 (the debated but generally historically accepted date of its demise), Christianity was on the upswing. Hypatia, history’s earliest female mathematician, had been murdered, Augustine had died, the great Library of Alexandria was no more, and the world’s balance of power seemed to be tilting toward barbaric sorts. Speaking of barbarism, let’s start by discussing that perennial first-round choice in everyone’s Fantasy Bloodthirsty Warlord Draft, Atilla.

Atilla the Hun – Truly one of history’s great purveyors of warfare and wanton bloodshed, Atilla hacked his way through Europe, carving out huge swathes of territory (eventually from what is now modern-day Germany all the way to the area of modern-day Georgia [Tbilisi not Honey Boo Boo/Chipper Jones]) and raking in crazy amounts of tribute along the way. He destroyed cities without mercy and massacred their populations.

Awesome Atilla the Hun figure sporting the pointy, fluffy hat of the day; riding a horse with an emo haircut.

After his brother Bleda died in 445 (some say he died in a hunting accident, while some say Atilla was responsible for his death – who are we kidding, let’s just presume Atilla is guilty here) Atilla became the sole Khan of his vast empire. Though he was defeated in 451 by the fantastically-named Flavius, he continued torturing what was left of the Roman Empire and invading neighbors until his comically unmanly death in 453.

Flamingos

As a proud Floridian, I stand by one of our most iconic symbols: the flamingo. This noble creature has served as a spokesman for some of our finest institutions, such as Miami Subs and the Florida Lottery, shown tremendous grace over being turned into a lawn ornament, and brought a certain amount of class to a place where we used to just scream at horses to run faster.

Whether selling discount gyros or gracing lawns, flamingos are elegant creatures that deserve our full support.

Despite consistently having the smelliest quadrant at our local zoo (don’t even try to blame those swans you share the pond with), we stand with you, flamingos – albeit far away and not downwind. If it wasn’t for the Fennec Fox, you’d definitely be our official animal. Actually that’d probably make more sense as we’re not a Moroccan blog.

The majestic flamingo taking flight. We’re all rooting for you this week!

In all seriousness, this is a big week for flamingos. The BBC ran a great story detailing a gigantic flamingo love fest that is supposed to start happening this week in Tanzania. So everyone keep it down and keep your fingers crossed for lots of successful breeding of lesser flamingos. Unfortunately these critters are close to being endangered.

!BONUS FLAMINGO FACTS!

1. Scientists appear to have named the different kinds of flamingos based on their awesome-ness, you’ve got: lesser flamingos, greater flamingos, and then of course, AMERICAN FLAMINGOS.

2. Apparently the Romans of old used to enjoy eating flamingo tongue.

3. Flamingos can live up to 40 years!

4. They get their pink color from the things they eat, such as Big League Chew**, and other flamingos**.

**Not a real flamingo fact

Fifteen Fifty Five (1555 A.D.)

Today we’re going back into time… a time before electricity, aeroplanes, telephones, Cheetos and Progressive car insurance commercials. It was a time when people had to pour sweat into the earth to survive, when brave men risked all to rape, pillage, steal natural resources and exploit native peoples navigate the open seas and find mysterious knowledge at the ends of the unexplored earth. The year: 1555 A.D.

What was happening in the world 457 years ago? (Surely this was in the front of your mind when you woke up this morning?) Let’s look at a few broad topics.

Cultural Learnings – By 1555, the Renaissance had emanated across Europe. Sparked by the Italian masters named after Ninja Turtles and innovations like the printing press, Europe at this point was increasing in knowledge, improving technologies, increasing food diversity (the rich at least), and afire with vigorous religious debate (#euphemisms). The arts (literature, sculptures, music, paintings etc.) were flourishing, China was inventing all sorts of neat gadgets, trade was becoming an increasingly global affair, and tremendous leaps were being made in various sciences.

Francophone Fellowship Follow-up

Hello friends, we’ve made it back from Haiti. As always, visiting Hispaniola was equal parts fruitful, inspiring, uplifting, frustrating, confusing and crushingly depressing. We high-tailed it out of there before the storm hit; which several colleagues have likened to a cowardly Costanza pushing everyone out of the way to save his own skin. Touché.

If we can get reflective for a moment…

Last night as Isaac blew through our neighborhood here in Florida, the wind howled and the rain lashed but nothing much really happened to us. My bougainvillea got roughed up. The dogs pooped in the house. Those things were a bit annoying. But the roof, walls and windows held, and life continued this morning pretty much as usual. We never even lost power.

I can’t help but wonder what last night was like for people in Haiti (more specifically the poor people, rich people in any country usually sleep just fine). They say at least 24 people have died, but who can say how many more sustained damage to their homes or lost their crops or whatever possessions they need to survive. Even more, how many this morning are dealing with sick children, or terrified children, a flooded house, or a ruined road that prevents them from getting to a doctor or a job that pays the only income they can find? What are the people in the tent cities eating today? There’s no McDonald’s in Haiti.

Francophone Fellowship

Greetings F Community. Just a quick notice that TMF leadership will be out of town for a bit, meeting with friends old and new in Port-au-Prince.

Your exhortation this week is to read a bit about the history of Haiti. Haiti’s story is more fascinating, complex and turbulent than any fiction you’re likely to read this summer. Pirates, legendary battles, incredible triumph, immense suffering, slavery and freedom, beating the odds, great music, spicy intercontinental intrigue, conspiracies, spiritual mystery, sugarcane, cockfighting, classic romances, dictatorship, revolts, one-armed heroes, massacres, invasions, idyllic landscapes, destroyed landscapes, stark poverty and unimaginable riches… Haiti’s story has it all!