Festivus

“A Festivus for the rest of us!” - Frank Costanza

Dear friends, Festivus is fast approaching (Dec. 23). Don’t worry I didn’t get you anything either. That’s okay because Festivus is not that kind of celebration.

While Festivus was technically created in the 60s by writer Dan O’Keefe, the holiday as it exists today was introduced to us by the great Frank Costanza (via O’Keefe’s screenwriter son who wrote it into the script) in one of the best Seinfeld episodes of all time, “The Strike.” This 1997 episode was packed with legendary antics and one-liners that would quickly become part of our vernacular (“The Human Fund,” the “Two Face,” Kramer on strike: “It’s a walk out!” Elaine’s sub card, etc.), but the introduction of Festivus spawned something transcendent: an actual holiday that is observed around the world to this day. It is officially a thing. And while invented for comedic purposes, perhaps other major holidays could learn something from the traditions of this special day?

Festivus means different things to different people, so I can only offer what it means to me. But together, I hope we can unearth the true meaning of Festivus.

To kick things off, let us begin with… the Airing of Grievances.

Foreign Friendship

Since this thing’s inception, one of our main goals has been to increase worldwide peace, understanding and friendship through the discussion of minutiae.

We recently came into contact with a delightful blog that shares this vision of achieving international harmony through yuks, chuckles and good natured ribbings. Please enjoy this guest post about Foreign Friendship on B for Bel, our new Australian blog friends and kind compatriots.

So head over there to B for Bel, sign up, have fun, and behave yourselves. I don’t want any reports of any rude behavior, lest we perpetuate the “ugly F enthusiast” stereotype.

Fights at Panera Bread

Have you ever seen a fight at Panera Bread? A little Panini punch-up, a lil’ Mediterranean Veggie melee?

“Hey that’s my California Fresh Wrap!”

“Nuh-uh you got my Asian Fusion Bread Soup Bowl!”

It can get ugly fast! Bluetooths (Blueteeth?), apple laptops, Fresh Baja Zesty Chicken Salad flying everywhere!

Faking the Funk

“Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk.”

- Sir Isaac Newton

According to Wikipedia, the origins of the maxim “Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk” (DFtFoaND) can be traced back to Sir Isaac Newton, who uttered the famous phrase when engaged in an apple bobbing contest. That doesn’t sound right but if Wikipedia says so it must be true. Sigh, Wikipedia has destroyed my ability to think for myself and independently verify information.

Of course more recently we remember this phrase from a TV commercial featuring former Kazaam star and basketball legend, Shaquille O’ Neal. Shaq says DFtFoaND as a password to gain entry to some sort of mysterious slam-jam showcase lair, shortly before throwing down a nasty dunk that destroys the backboard and impresses some older b-ball fogeys. The commercial was culturally significant on many levels (what’s more significant than seeing stuff splode + get blowed up, and having famous people telling us what shoe to buy?), but perhaps most important was the introduction of DFtFoaND into our vernacular. Clearly the phrase was awesome – but what does it mean to fake the funk, and how does one avoid doing so?

Finish Him!

I’ll never forget the first time I did a fatality. I was Scorpion, my go-to Mortal Kombat character, and we’d just secured a friend’s Game Genie mag.

Once Kano (everyone’s least favorite MK character – a real fiend who I always relished doing fatalities to) was defeated and started to wobble, a shot of adrenalin raced through me as the glorious ‘Finish Him!’ prompt came on the screen.

I frantically mashed the buttons that would yield the gory results we longed to see. The tension was high but my focus was laser sharp. Then the screen turned dark, as we anticipated what was sure to be one of the coolest things we’d ever seen.

Scorpion took his mask off to reveal a skull head, then proceeded to roast his unfortunate foe with a splendid flame ball from his mouth. In an instant, Kano was incinerated into a skeleton as we fist-pumped and shouted with delight around the room, as only teenage boys committing Nintendo violence can. The game announcer congratulated us with a “Fatality!”

Take that Kano!

<Begin Youth of Today Rant> Of course the youth of today would laugh and scoff at the sort of video game violence we found so impressive, taboo and exciting back then. Nowadays most 8 year olds play games that are much more violent and graphic than anything Mortal Kombat had to offer.

In general, kids just know too much now. Nothing impresses them and you can’t tell them anything they don’t already know. But let me tell you something little Skyglow, or Plum or whatever you kids are named these days (back in my day kids had real names like Gibbler, Dobber or Cockroach!), you carry on with your Halos and your Duty that Calls, but know this: your games are impressive, but you’ll never appreciate your games the way your parents did. <End Rant>

Sigh, I suppose it is a part of life to long for simpler times that no longer exist. A time when uppercutting someone onto a bed of spikes really meant something.  But alas all we’re left with is nostalgia and memories. And also an awesome Fatality Montage assembled by some generous public servant.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9e_w_CYrrk

Finger Guns

Uh oh here comes an acquaintance you know but don’t speak with. Do you avoid eye contact? No that’s rude. Head nod? Half smile? A salute?

Since the beginning of time, people have struggled with the right and appropriate way to acknowledge someone you pass in close quarters.

At some point, a bold innovator took a gamble by pulling his hands from his pockets and firing his fingers like guns at his acquaintance. The acquaintance instinctively pretended to be shot by the finger bullets and started laughing. The two then walked away arm-in-arm, no longer acquaintances – but friends.

This is only a guess as to how Finger Guns originated. It’s entirely possible that the first man to try Finger Gunning someone was immediately shot and killed.

Flaming Sports Equipment Yearbook Photos

After some extensive research (approx. 3 google searches), we were disappointed to find there was not a website dedicated to this funny phenomenon. Cmon internet!

It’s been awhile since anyone from TMF has been to high school, but I recall this being a cool thing to do for your senior portrait for a little while there. If you played tennis, you hold a flaming tennis ball — if saxophone was your thing, you could pose with your sax and they’d add some flames coming out of it, etc.

Is this still a thing? Are the kids on to something else now?

Please feel free to submit your very best flaming sports equipment photos.

“Dear Kansas City Royals: I’d like to apply for your vacant position of catcher. I believe this picture speaks for itself. Thank you for your consideration.”