This is a new series where we throw out some ideas on how to approach the always complex, thorny world of foreign relations. We’ll look at things from an American perspective, cuz we’re an American blog and we do things the American way. If you don’t like it you can geeeet out!
Today’s Topic: North Korea
North Korea continues to be a thorn in the side of planet earth. On the world stage, NK is that guy on the fringe of your group who no one likes but everyone placates because he’s crazy and owns weapons. Unfortunately in this case, we’re dealing with a crazy friend with access to nukes, and who also has many millions of neglected, innocent dependents.
You can’t help but feel bad for the good people of North Korea. They seem to inhabit a joyless nightmare world of fear, deprivation, deception, hunger and isolation. They can’t just leave, so they’re at the mercy of whatever their zany, unpredictable leaders decide to do. Unfortunately for them, NK’s leaders seem pretty determined to initiate some type of world-ending nuclear holocaust.
As if rampant starvation, frigid weather, and the prospect of being executed or sent to a gulag for so much as disagreeing with the state weren’t enough, the people of NK live with the constant fear of all-out war.
So how should we engage North Korea?
As we know, Team America co-star Kim Jong-Il is no longer with us. He was replaced by his son who at this point is still a bit of an unknown entity. Nevertheless, our twofold objective is to get NK to stop developing nukes while protecting and surreptitiously empowering NK’s innocent civilians.
Here’s the plan:
1. If there’s anything we learned from Operation Dumbo Drop, it’s that dropping things from airplanes is the most effective way to impact the world. Phase one of our plan should be to airdrop all sorts of things all over that place: baseball cards, socks, Boyz II Men cd’s, jolly ranchers, Tupperware, etc… all attached with inspirational Snapple caps + encouraging personal messages.
2. Phase two; we need to stop the cycle of NK threatening nuclear war, then talking them down with food aid. Four words: High Stakes Poker Game. We win, we get your nukes. You win, you get all our actors to do with as you wish, a-la Team America.
3. Should phase 2 fail, phase 3 should be to inundate the country with technology. Starting immediately, all troops stationed along the DMZ should commence firing t-shirt cannons filled with iPhones, books and newspapers at their counterparts. Otherwise we could fill millions of balloons with various pieces of technology, seed packets and educational paraphernalia.
If you have more out-of-the-box foreign policy ideas, or any t-shirt cannons to donate, please email firstname.lastname@example.org