We are delighted today to welcome a true legend into our midst. Renowned for his expertise in litigation, political science, fantasy baseball and dinosaurs, Jean Duglás is also an accomplished author, Southern gentleman, dead-eye jumpshooter and feted uncle. Enjoy…
By: Jean Duglás
Scut Farkus. He’s evil incarnate in coon-skin maraudering somewhere in the Rust Belt. He’s making you kiss frozen metal objects. He’s grabbed your wrist and applied enough torque to your Glenohumeral joint to make you yell for that creepy guy married to your mom’s sister. He was the bane of Ralphie’s existence.
But Farkus is much, much more.
As an avid Second Amendment enthusiast, A Christmas Story is one of my favorite movies. Aside from the important message about the importance of further arming America’s youth, Farkus, and more importantly Ralphie’s ultimate response to Farkus, epitomizes the gusto with which I hope every EFFER* [that’s what you call TMF readers, right?] attacks life.
You see, Life throws a lot of Farkuses (Farki?) at us. Whether it’s professional struggles, financial problems, or gout, we’re all faced with a Farkus from which we want to – and usually do – scamper. Flight is so much easier. Passing the buck to another day makes today so much easier, we think.
But take a look at Ralphie – where did flight get him? That’s right: home. But what good did flight bring to his life? Right again: temporary security. Look, you’re missing the metaphor. Ralphie could only flee for so long. Farkus eventually found Ralphie in a position from which fleeing was no longer an option.
I once read that there’s no obstacle man can create that cannot be overcome. I think C.S. Lewis said that. It was either him or Dr. Ian Malcom. But that’s beside the point. We have to face obstacles in life. So, what did Ralphie do?
Ralphie unleashed hell. Scut Farkus was left bloody, beaten and embarrassed. No longer would Ralphie be tormented by the perceived immovable threat to his well-being and security.
So, to all the EFFERS out there – especially the elementary/pre-teen/young adult readers who are probably too soft from years of anime, not playing dodgeball in gym and participating in events where everyone gets a trophy/ribbon/gold star – I encourage you to beat the absolute crap out of a Farkus you face today. Now, for a literal Farkus you face, I’m not encouraging you to resort to violence… I’m imploring you to resort to violence. For the non-literal Farki you face, unleash hell: attack your hurdle with the tenacity of a honey badger. You’ll find the walk home that much more rewarding for both you and Randy.
*It seems the author has taken it upon himself to name our fan club. Touchè. The kids club can be the ‘Lil Effers’ I suppose.
**Surely you will all be clamoring to hear more from Jean Duglás after this masterpiece; we’ll do our best to secure his return to TMF but it could be tough as he is kind of a big deal.
*** Please do not resort to violence.