Fake Recipes: Fried Fritters

A couple months back we thought it would be funny to start a series documenting some fake recipes – in an effort to combat what we feel is the unfortunate, misguided “Pinterest-ization” of America. Human judgment and insecurity are reaching new heights and aspiring cooks are being discouraged by the thousands due to this troublesome phenomenon. It’s a real problem.

In this series, we’re speaking up for all the folks out there who may feel marginalized or pressured to not just crank out delicious meals with hip ingredients, but also present them in a way that would pass the Gordon Ramsay hissy fit test.

We are all about freedom here – including freedom from judgment. However you express yourself in the culinary realm should not be subjected to snooty scorn. Hot Pocket Ramen? Baloney Tacos? Sounds good, go for it! (maybe slip a multivitamin in there as well though)

No one should feel coerced into a competition of frivolous fancy-ness or feel bad about trying new things that may very well end up being pretty gross.

With that in mind, please enjoy this (fake) recipe idea for open-minded people on the go!

Fried Fritters a la The Mighty F

A fair approximation of what fried fritters may look like, but by no means feel bad if yours look different or more mangled.

Step 1: First off, you’re gonna need fritter material. Pretty much anything will do since it’s gonna be fried up real nice, but the easiest thing is just to find something doughy. You’re probably only going to wanna eat this yourself but if you happen to have guests, check beforehand to see if anyone has an allergy to gluten, or to fritter. This is a real issue nowadays.

Step 2: Once you have secured your fritter material the next step is to fry it up. This will involve hot grease, so use the buddy system for safety. If you’ve never fried anything, just get a pan and pour a bunch of oil in it. Turn that stove on to the corresponding circle thing you put your pan on.

Step 3: Whoops forgot to mention in Step 2 that we need flour. Hopefully you haven’t been oil-blinded yet. Roll your fritter material in some flour, then toss those bad boys into the oil!

Step 4: As you wait for the magical properties of oil and flour to harmonize and perform their miraculous task of turning things golden-brown delicious, feel free to contemplate the vastness of the universe and your role in the scheme of eternity.

Fried Food poster via demotivational.org.

Step 5:  Once your fritters are looking nice and crispy, remove them from the pan in a safe manner. The last thing is what to do with all that hot grease. Now, I usually just dump my oil in someone’s yard (smart people fry at night) but if this is not a possibility just leave it until morning. Chances are someone in your house will know what to do with it.

For now, what’s important is enjoying your latest culinary creation. Go find a nice sauce and see how you did!

Just remember that your self-worth is not contingent upon the outcome.

* As noted previously, no one here at TMF has ever “cooked anything” per se, so we’re just throwin’ out ideas. Obviously don’t try this at home.



Filed under Fake Recipes

9 responses to “Fake Recipes: Fried Fritters

  1. That’s just wrong! Throw the ‘fritters’ fenceward and sup the oil. Egads, man, think outside the box. I once tossed a failed pita thingee over the road and into the farmers field. I think he called the vet because he thought his cows were having stomach(s) trouble! Hee Hee.

  2. You could also do an entire meal: feta, flounder, fava beans, fingerling potatoes or figs in your fritters. That way, you’d have protein, carbs and fiber and you wouldn’t be frittering away your time.

    I would, however, recommend wearing sneakers prior to dumping the used grease in a neighbor’s backyard. If you have to make a quick escape when the neighbor has insomnia, sneakers are essential. 😉

    • Wow that deserves a spot in our forthcoming cookbook of Fake Recipes! An important point about wearing sneakers when doing your grease dump, major oversight on my part.

  3. Stewdog

    Smart people fry at night! I want
    that on a coffee mug. That way the next morning I can be reminded how the previous night I dumped my bacon grease in my neighbors yard. It would be so satisfying thinking about that over coffee in the am.

    Great post. Fritter material can include things like Fat (from a cow), Fuji Apples, Flip flops, or Flourdough for those looking for something to use.

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