As we welcome a New Year, it’s time once again to unleash the groundless hunches, uneducated guesses and baseless predictions our new media have trained us to love so much. To honor our noble modern traditions: jumping to conclusions, inflaming passions for ratings’ sake, and of course biased, uninformed prognosticating on world events… we give you this list of things that may happen in the coming year.
- Upon hearing of rampant unrighteousness among penguins, the “Westboro Baptist Church” will sail to Antarctica to protest. The penguins will get a bit annoyed but for the most part tune them out.
- I will somehow be bitten/tusked by a wild boar and a tiger, thus completing the rare feat of having been bit by the entire* Chinese Zodiac animal roster. Completing the “Bitten by the Zodiac Cycle” will somehow be parlayed into an attempt to secure a General Tso’s For Life prize.
- Undeterred by major studio rejection of my screenplay for SPACE JAM 2: BALLIN’ HOUSE PARTY ON THE MOON, starring Delonte West, Ron Artest, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas, I will continue working on a killer powerpoint to sell that thing.
- Dragons will be discovered to be real, thus nullifying my attempt to complete the “Bitten by the Zodiac Cycle” and ruining whatever chance at General Tso’s For Life may have existed. Things will spiral downward for a while but then it’ll get better.
- TLC will make a show about something abhorrent, exploitative and depressing.
- A & E will make a show I can’t stop watching.
- It will be revealed that Tim Tebow is an Australian actor/character created by ESPN. ESPN overlords will wistfully touch the screen as he tears up his contract and walks away from the grand marketing initiative after learning of another dumb plot twist.
- This is the year: PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST! Gotta be hopeful guys, we can do this.
*This of course presumes that dragons are not real, thus making a bite impossible.