Dear Friends, Fellow Floridians, and Future Floridians (looking at you, every curmudgeon from the northeast who inevitably will end up down here; most probably in my neighborhood; or at least with my exact commute),
It has come to our attention that the fair state of Florida has gained a reputation for being somewhat of a, shall we say; horrifying embarrassment/kinda’ concerning* mega whirlwind of sharp, pointy garbage/shockingly dreadful malaise magnet/mushroom cloud of negativity/nationwide laughingstock.
Now, I understand the concerns. No doubt we’ve had our struggles. Generally speaking, we have our bizarre hunting accidents up north; our aberrant and illicit manatee-riding behavior in the middle; and of course our wanton killing, face eating, and cockfighting-related issues that affect our southern regions.
I get it.
“Haha! Look at that state! It has so many problems! Look how dysfunctional they are!
With all due respect (if Ricky Bobby taught us anything, it’s that you can say anything so long as you preface it with an ‘all due respect’), get out of our face, Ohio. Take a step back Kansas, Vermont, Massachusetts, Kentucky, Oregon, or North Dakota; no one can ever remember your capital city.** Don’t even start.
Just because we lead the nation in foreclosures, animal bites, retaliatory human-on-animal bites, most types of fraud, tacky things, staged accidents, bizarre news, and voting difficulties, you think you’re better than us?
While websites like Buzzfeed, Fark and other mean-spirited pile-onners seem to delight in our woe, and continue to gleefully highlight our foibles, we are here today to point out some good things that are going on in our fine state. Before you throw stones, consider the following…
Oranges – You know, the greatest fruit known to man? We provide so many of these and keep your children free of scurvy. You’re welcome. We also produce about 40% of the world’s orange juice.
Other Things – Florida is the fourth-largest exporting state in the U.S., dutifully shipping all sorts of crap that you need and love right to you; despite your callous mockery.
Turtle Comeback – Thanks to Florida’s beaches, Sea Turtles had a great year in 2012.
Athletic Inspiration – True, most of our sports teams have had a rough go recently (Heat excluded), but there have been some inspiring things as well from the Marlins, D-Wade’s mom, and even the Gators.
Of course there are many more good things happening throughout Florida every day. Unfortunately you may never hear about them, because people just want to read about the Ocala man who crossbow’d his neighbor’s horse over a beef jerky dispute, or the guy in West Palm who tried to rob a Dunkin’ with a Sailfish bill… you get the idea.
But I assure you good things are happening here! Despite our unfair portrayal in the media, the good people of Florida are pressing on and looking forward to a more positive, less eventful 2013.
Know of good things happening in Florida? Feel free to share them.
* Tip of the cap to Karl
**I think it’s Fargpelier City or something like that, but no one can really be sure.