Florida PR Email Leak

I can only imagine that whoever has the task of doing Public Relations for the state of Florida has, shall we say, a challenging job. Here is a fake “leaked email” that I could see coming from that beleaguered PR office.

Greetings everyone.

Guys, I’m disappointed. This was supposed to be a huge year for us, what with the 500th anniversary of Florida’s discovery, the “Viva Florida” campaign and all the other great initiatives we’ve been working so hard on.

The attention seems to be backfiring. Have you seen all this stuff about Ponce de Leon being a fraud and calling our whole history into question? They’re just using this as one more way to shame us and frame us as “the crazy state.” We need to figure out how to deal with this.

The big question remains of how to engage this attention and unflattering press. Do we embrace the bad boy persona? Do we resist it? Do we ignore it and just keep pounding out uplifting press releases?

Either way we need to get a handle on this. Being a laughingstock is bad for business. We’re about one more idiot trying to ride a manatee away from losing all the progress we’ve made since the Bath Salts Zombie fiasco.

Ken, how are the new campaign ideas coming? I’d like to see the “Suck It, Upper 49” promo packet on my desk by tomorrow. Regarding that, I can’t help but wonder if it’s geographically accurate to lump Hawaii into the Upper 49 here.  But if we go “Suck It, Upper 48” is it understood that we’re leaving Hawaii out, or should we also somehow convey that they can suck it as well? Let’s get a ruling on this.

I do like the possibility of us taking an “edgier” approach. Look at Chrysler and “Imported from Detroit” or Austin and “Keep It Weird.” What about a campaign thatembraces the fact that yes, if you come to Florida, you might in fact get assaulted, attacked by a wild animal, or caught up in some type of bizarre shenanigans?  As a state, we can be the dangerous but alluring guy on a motorcycle: “You can hop on, Momma, but it’s gonna be a wild ride,” sort of a thing.

Maybe we could supplement the bad boy persona with personal attacks on other lesser states?  I don’t know, it seems risky but worth a discussion.

Speaking of risky, Marcie, we need to make sure all our Crisis Response materials are ready. We had a close call last week. One of the Sinkhole Halflings under the Capitol building somehow escaped the containment area and just started wandering around during a legislative session. Thankfully he was spotted right away and thrown back down with the others before anyone seemed to notice.

We need to stay on top of this situation. There is growing unrest in the sinkhole; apparently they’re sick of the seagull meat and Fanta diet. The CIA boys have been quietly rounding up all the Muscovy Ducks in Palm Beach County as a replacement, but people are starting to ask questions. Obviously a lot of things could go wrong here, so we’ve got to be ready to respond to any possible scenario.

Guys, we can’t lose sight of the importance of the task at hand. I don’t want to be dramatic, but the reputation – and dare I say the future – of our state depends on us. Can you imagine what would happen if word got out about the sinkhole people, or the Skunk Ape situation in Madison? What would happen to tourism if they found out how many of those bloodthirsty, unholy creatures are out there, and what they like to do to people?

We’ve got enough on our plates, just redirecting attention away from all the murders, the lousy economy, the white power folks and the alarming rise in snapping turtle attacks. How about the guy in Fort Lauderdale who keeps running around naked throwing jellyfish at people? People don’t need to know about these things. They need to hear about sunshine, golf and Mickey Mouse.

Anyways, I know everyone has been working really hard. I want to encourage you to keep going. I don’t have to remind you of how many items require our attention and delicate expertise. Remember, what we do is for the greater glory of our fair state.

For our meeting tomorrow, I want everyone ready to discuss an action plan for the increasingly aggressive pelicans of Fernandina, potential leads for a release about old people, and more ideas on how to handle the Orlando phase out plan.

What’s everyone doing for lunch? I’m up for anything but Miami Subs.

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