In a shameless attempt to cash in on the trend of stupid movies and shows featuring sharks, here’s a pitch for a new feature length film, FjØrdShärks!®
In the Arctic wilds of western Norway, something evil is afoot. After two boatloads of hard-partying, fjord-gawking tourists go missing in the span of two weeks, authorities start to suspect foul play. They should be suspecting SHARK-PLAY because FjØrdShärks® have arrived… and they are hungry!
After their own search party gets attacked by some of the savage beasts, Norwegian authorities are forced to call in the mysterious, legendary scientist/shark hunter, Biff Sharkman. Sharkman (played by Daniel Day-Lewis, or Lorenzo Lamas if Mr. Day-Lewis is unavailable), heads to Norway immediately. Much to his dismay, rival shark hunter and personal nemesis Haley “Hammerhead” Hall (played by either Dame Judi Dench or Meryl Streep; or Brooke Hogan if Mrs. Dench or Mrs. Streep are unavailable) has beat him to the punch and already has an investigation underway. They engage in very sharp repartee. They very clearly don’t like each other!
The rival research teams set up camp on opposite sides of the fjord. Unfortunately for the Sharkman team, they set up their tents a little too close to the water. Bad move! The first night they’re there, a team of FjØrdShärks, using their recently-evolved shark-legs, crawl up on shore and drag Sharkman’s trusted assistant, Dirk Finman, into the icy depths. Sharkman gets a glimpse of the beasts taking his friend under, and begins to pound the shore and shout for the heavens as he screams his promise for vengeance.
The next morning, Sharkman meets with Hall to work out an uneasy truce. “If we’re going to beat them, we need to work together,” he says. She retorts, “I work alone, Sharkman. I do things my way.”
The next night, one of Hall’s crewmembers gets dragged in and torn apart by the ravenous sharks. As this is happening, Hall locks eyes with Sharkman across the fjord, and both nod as if to say, “OK now it’s on!”
Cue upbeat music as the two teams head into town to buy lots of heavy weaponry. Montage of them practicing with various harpoons, spears and flamethrowers.
The teams decide upon a coordinated night attack, and to lure the sharks with live prey. This plan goes horribly wrong however as the sharks outwit them and manage to eat all the anonymous people placed on the shore to tempt them.
Sharkman decides the only way to finish the sharks once and for all is to lower himself into the water. “It’s suicide Biff, don’t do it!” Hall says about the plan. “It might just be crazy enough to work,” chimes in a wizened local fisherman (played by Sir Ben Kingsley, or if he is not available, the old guy who sharpens skates in The Mighty Ducks – or if he is no longer with us, we’ll try to get the janitor from Rudy).
“Time to settle the score,” Sharkman coolly says as he’s lowered into the water. “Come to papa!”
As the FjØrdShärks surge toward Sharkman, he yells out, “Wait for my signal!” Everyone on shore looks very concerned, except for Ben Kingsley, who smirks and calmly nods his head in approval. Finally at the last possible second, Sharkman is hoisted out of the water, blazing a machine gun in one hand and a huge flamethrower in the other. “Time to make shark fin soup, you &&^%*#$#!”
Everyone on shore lets loose on the beasts, who manage to gobble up several policemen and other locals who partake in the battle, but Sharkman’s brilliant plan has worked. (NOTE TO NORWEGIAN INVESTORS: This critical sequence can also celebrate various features of Norwegian culture, by having local ski jumpers, people on sleds and figure skaters taking part in the battle).
After the smoke clears, the FjØrdShärks are all belly-up, and the townspeople come out of their homes to celebrate. Hall says to Sharkman, “I’ve never seen anything like that.” “Just another day at the office,” he says. The two embrace.
Just before the credits roll, an underwater shot shows a baby shark with baby shark-legs, with a smirk on its shark-face… The perfect segue for “FjØrdShärks 2: Nor-Way Out.”
If interested in purchasing this script, or to discuss a lucrative potential partnership, contact @themightyfblog.