FjØrdShärks!

In a shameless attempt to cash in on the trend of stupid movies and shows featuring sharks, here’s a pitch for a new feature length film, FjØrdShärks!®

In the Arctic wilds of western Norway, something evil is afoot. After two boatloads of hard-partying, fjord-gawking tourists go missing in the span of two weeks, authorities start to suspect foul play. They should be suspecting SHARK-PLAY because FjØrdShärks® have arrived… and they are hungry!

After their own search party gets attacked by some of the savage beasts, Norwegian authorities are forced to call in the mysterious, legendary scientist/shark hunter, Biff Sharkman. Sharkman (played by Daniel Day-Lewis, or Lorenzo Lamas if Mr. Day-Lewis is unavailable), heads to Norway immediately. Much to his dismay, rival shark hunter and personal nemesis Haley “Hammerhead” Hall (played by either Dame Judi Dench or Meryl Streep; or Brooke Hogan if Mrs. Dench or Mrs. Streep are unavailable) has beat him to the punch and already has an investigation underway. They engage in very sharp repartee. They very clearly don’t like each other!

Fjordsharks - - Attacking your screen soon!

Fjordsharks – – Attacking your screen soon!

The rival research teams set up camp on opposite sides of the fjord. Unfortunately for the Sharkman team, they set up their tents a little too close to the water. Bad move! The first night they’re there, a team of FjØrdShärks, using their recently-evolved shark-legs, crawl up on shore and drag Sharkman’s trusted assistant, Dirk Finman, into the icy depths. Sharkman gets a glimpse of the beasts taking his friend under, and begins to pound the shore and shout for the heavens as he screams his promise for vengeance.

The next morning, Sharkman meets with Hall to work out an uneasy truce. “If we’re going to beat them, we need to work together,” he says. She retorts, “I work alone, Sharkman. I do things my way.”

The next night, one of Hall’s crewmembers gets dragged in and torn apart by the ravenous sharks. As this is happening, Hall locks eyes with Sharkman across the fjord, and both nod as if to say, “OK now it’s on!”

Cue upbeat music as the two teams head into town to buy lots of heavy weaponry. Montage of them practicing with various harpoons, spears and flamethrowers.

The teams decide upon a coordinated night attack, and to lure the sharks with live prey. This plan goes horribly wrong however as the sharks outwit them and manage to eat all the anonymous people placed on the shore to tempt them.

Sharkman decides the only way to finish the sharks once and for all is to lower himself into the water. “It’s suicide Biff, don’t do it!” Hall says about the plan. “It might just be crazy enough to work,” chimes in a wizened local fisherman (played by Sir Ben Kingsley, or if he is not available, the old guy who sharpens skates in The Mighty Ducks – or if he is no longer with us, we’ll try to get the janitor from Rudy).

“Time to settle the score,” Sharkman coolly says as he’s lowered into the water. “Come to papa!”

As the FjØrdShärks surge toward Sharkman, he yells out, “Wait for my signal!” Everyone on shore looks very concerned, except for Ben Kingsley, who smirks and calmly nods his head in approval. Finally at the last possible second, Sharkman is hoisted out of the water, blazing a machine gun in one hand and a huge flamethrower in the other. “Time to make shark fin soup, you &&^%*#$#!”

Everyone on shore lets loose on the beasts, who manage to gobble up several policemen and other locals who partake in the battle, but Sharkman’s brilliant plan has worked. (NOTE TO NORWEGIAN INVESTORS: This critical sequence can also celebrate various features of Norwegian culture, by having local ski jumpers, people on sleds and figure skaters taking part in the battle).

After the smoke clears, the FjØrdShärks are all belly-up, and the townspeople come out of their homes to celebrate. Hall says to Sharkman, “I’ve never seen anything like that.” “Just another day at the office,” he says. The two embrace.

Just before the credits roll, an underwater shot shows a baby shark with baby shark-legs, with a smirk on its shark-face… The perfect segue for FjØrdShärks 2: Nor-Way Out.”

If interested in purchasing this script, or to discuss a lucrative potential partnership, contact @themightyfblog.

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72 Comments

Filed under Film, F Entertainment, Fjords

72 responses to “FjØrdShärks!

  1. Pingback: The Art of Snark: Creative Disagreement | The Daily Post

  2. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, Mighty F. Truly a fine and fabulous fish tale.

  3. This got Freshly Pressed! Congratulations! Maybe you’ll attract the attention of some Hollywood mogul…or a Bollywood mogul!

  4. Sharknado has nothing, and I mean nothing, on this!

  5. That would go for an Oscar

  6. Anonymous

    Fabulous!!!!!!

  7. Haha. That was excellent! Thank you.

  8. Haha! Brilliant. I would watch it 😉

  9. Love it!! Maybe the sharks were affected by radiation emitted by russian cold war submarines rusting away on the bottom of the Sea off Norway’s northernmost coast. This might add some ‘credibility’ to the shark-legs concept??!!

  10. This would be an excellent film full laughs, heartbreak, and of course edge of your seat excitement, hehe. I do have a suggestion to switch the names of the characters. Dirk Finman is definitely a leading man name.
    And Nor-Way Out is the great for the sequel.

  11. I was glancing over Freshly Pressed this morning. Some pretty heavy stuff is being featured. Then…I found yours. What a breath of fresh air! Loved it.

  12. Can I pre-purchase my ticket? Loved it!

  13. Can’t wait to see it! You have a true understanding of the blockbuster film industry! Do you need any British extras?

  14. ebandorg

    If anybody wants to order shark fin soup on the sets contact me at dzire437@yahoo.in.

  15. I think it would be a great script for a movie producer to get his teeth into.
    Cheers
    Mick
    http://cartoonmick.wordpress.com/about/

  16. Love it. The last line is pure brilliance!

  17. Hahaha this is great! I did not watch Sharknado (though I have been watching Shark Week) but I was so surprised when I saw the trailer. When I got to work the next morning, it was the topic of conversation (and Twitter).

    SyFy has done so many movies like this (including a man-eating mutant shark with legs), I’m sure your movie will fit right in!

  18. mcwatty9

    But will it prove greater than Sharks and Pelicans: The United Front? Only time will tell.

  19. Awesome sauce! Who doesn’t love a montage?

  20. Pingback: FjØrdShärks! | ThaliaBrandon.com

  21. jon

    I think stew dog has something with the trilogy thinking…after sharkman dies in Nor-Way out then sharkman’s long lost illegitimate son that he had with elle woods (played by McCauley Culkin) comes to seek revenge in “My Way not Nor-Way”…youve got tense relations between Scandinavian countries, a great scared face with an actor proven to defeat the bad guys and capture the hearts of all (although clearly he is much creepier now), plus the potential for a random (PG-13) scene featuring Elle Woods to finally get back at Tiger. That sir is how you close out a trilogy.

  22. Too freakin’ funny!!
    Congrats on getting pressed!!

  23. Unfortunately some people will take your blog as real as they did in megalodon shark which was aired for the first episode of Shark Week. It was a great post. Why people get hyped about sharks I really can not understand. I mean there is no such thing as Jaws, or is there? Gulp!

  24. I love your story! I am also in agreement with Stewdog on the use of JetLev Jet Packs.

  25. Brilliant. Well done. And I don’t even like shark movies.

  26. Haha. That’s good. Why is it that when a subject gets introduced (like the shark movie/shows)phenomena it gets beaten into the ground? Oh well, I guess that’s the way of the world. Nicely written, though. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

    • Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. Hollywood is definitely the worst offender when it comes to beating things into the ground – I think there are now 11 Fast + Furious movies.

  27. Impybat

    Fjordsharks, meet Kickstarter.

  28. Stewdog

    A few things.

    Norway out is amazing.

    I would have let the sharks win. I mean great trilogies sometimes have the bad guys win. Stsr Wars for example. Maybe in Norway out, Sharkman dies.

    Last, for special effects, Sharkman needs to use one of those JetLev Jet packs in the final scene. Huge endorsement for them and makes Sharkman larger than life.

    • lolololol Well played with the jet pack, how did I miss that!!! May have to add that in and give you a writing credit, or maybe some sort of consulting producer role. That’s risky making Sharkman die, gonna have to run that past Daniel Day Lewis to see what he thinks.

  29. Now, that’s a blockbuster I’d like to see.

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