An email to kickoff the new season of the ultra-exclusive Big Evil Corporation Fantasy Football League.
Gentlemen, the time has come for yet another year of Fantasy Football. I’d like to extend a welcome to our newest addition to the league, FoxConn. You may remember them from such things as paying their workers shockingly low wages, aggressively polluting the environment, and not allowing bathroom breaks until the factory-mandated iPhone quota for the day has been fulfilled.
I’m just teasing of course. You’ll find that there’s a lot of good-natured ribbing here FoxConn, welcome aboard.
We have assembled on this encrypted email thread, 15 of the world’s largest, most ruthless corporations. We are of course here for the noble pursuits of trying to assert dominance over one another, bragging rights, and to gamble vast sums of money, but this league is about even more than that. This league is a valuable forum in which we can pursue mutual interests, learn from one another, have some laughs… While also exchanging best practices on things like tax avoidance, crushing all those who stand in our way, and continuing toward our common goal of establishing an all-powerful One World Government led by our collective iron fists. Think of it as a superbly elite networking opportunity, or a workshop for gods; albeit with billions of dollars at stake.
As last year’s winner – thanks to a few savvy mid-season pick-ups and some admirably nefarious tampering with the Eagles’ offense – Monsanto gets to determine the location of this year’s draft, as well as the entertainment and menu. I’m still awaiting final confirmation, but it looks we’ll be going to the Antarctica Corporate Lair (ACL) once again. FoxConn, instructions will be sent to you on how to get to ACL and what to expect at this particular venue. I don’t want to give away too much, but let’s just say this is a place where we can “do as we please” even more than usual.
As far as food and drink, Monsanto has requested some of their new genetically modified baby elk and something called “Pabst Blue Ribbon,” but for the rest of us there will be the usual assortment of endangered species meats and elite corporate drinks that the general public must never know about. We will of course once again be flying in the woolly mammoths from our Siberia lab for our ritual pre-draft spear hunt.
I’ve received notes from several of you requesting a replay of the 2009 draft festivities. While we all remember fondly the unforgettable escapades of that year and the rousing ‘big game hunt‘ we engaged in, unfortunately Moldovan authorities are still looking for all those missing people. So I think it’s best we avoid that venue for now.
As last year’s last place team, Bank of America had the option of either paying an extra $500 million into this year’s pot, laying off at least 1,000 workers, or shot-gunning 3 beers at the upcoming draft. They of course opted for the layoff route, which I think we can all agree was the right move. Three beers in quick succession could lead to quite an upset stomach! Bravo BOA, good show.
The ground rules for this year will remain the same: Winner gets the whole pot, the last place team must choose one of the penalties mentioned above, and no minority quarterbacks are to be drafted.
If you’ve yet to do so, please wire your $1 billion league fee to the Swiss account listed at the bottom of this email by next Tuesday.
I look forward to another sporting year gentlemen. See you in Antarctica!