“Under the sea, under the sea… Life is de bubbles, under the sea.” – Sebastian the Crab
Despite Sebastian the Crab’s misleading portrayal in The Little Mermaid of life under the sea being some sort of delightful Calypso paradise; the reality is not quite so idyllic. The truth is that there are many alarming things lurking under our waters. Let’s have a look at some of the creatures you should be aware of.
Lungfish (freshwater) – This living fossil is a true horror monster brought to life. Certain kinds of lungfish are able to bury themselves in mud for months on end to survive a drought. That’s right, this little freak show doesn’t even need to live in water, it can just sit there waiting and lurking… eager for the chance to chomp you with its razor teeth. Oh yeah they can also walk on land and live for like a CENTURY.
Lungfish are found in Africa, Australia and South America, and despite being so awful looking, are actually eaten by some people. I’ll gladly leave them alone if they pledge to do the same for me.
Oarfish – Whenever something washes up on a beach that is even slightly reminiscent of a sea monster, it is always an oarfish. Every time. The next time you see one of those “Sea Monster Found?!” stories on Yahoo, don’t get your hopes up it’s totally just a dead oarfish.
These mysterious, elusive creatures can grow to more than 50 feet in length, fueling speculation that they were probably the “sea monsters” spotted by early navigators… OR WERE THEY???
No you’re right they probably were just oarfish.
Ocean Sunfish – These are so weird aren’t they? They look like those bullets from the original Super Mario Brothers with little flippers attached.
Cookie Cutter Shark – These little devils are rare, but you better believe those teeth could mess you up big time.
Basking Shark – I fear anything that could swallow me by accident.
Blobfish – The blobfish has been in the news lately for being officially named “the world’s ugliest animal.” Personally I don’t think they’re any worse looking than your average Pomeranian or one of those awful spiky iguanas, but they are admittedly not heartthrobs.
But look at that nose! That frowny face! All that blob! I could see these becoming fashionable hipster pets: “Dude you going to Radiohead Pilates? Nah brosef, gotta go feed my blobfish.”
Wels Catfish – I remember reading about the Wels Catfish when I was a child, and learning that they had been rumored to eat dogs and even small children. I’ve hated them ever since. Thankfully they are a European problem, leading their gross lives in rivers like the Danube.
Anglerfish – Doesn’t it creep you out that there are all these bizarre creatures living so far under the water? I mean what is going on down there? Someone needs to regulate this. It’s high time we extend our domain to the depths of the ocean. I demand to know everything about every creature that’s able to survive in such inhospitable climes. Of course we should do this for Science and whatnot, but more importantly we need to prevent them from using their incredible survival skills to eventually destroy and overtake us.
Goblin Shark – This nightmare makes the blobfish look like George Clooney of the Seas.
You can’t rule out the possibility that Megalodon or other prehistoric beats are still out there. And of course you should always keep your head on a swivel and be on the lookout out for deadly hybrid creatures such as FJØRDSHäRkS!