Category Archives: F Athletics

Final Four Face Off!

Here’s a quick breakdown of how we here at TMF view this year’s Final Four matchups. We’re of course talking about which school’s animal mascot would emerge victorious in a real-life tussle if they were to meet in the wilderness or wherever. For the sake of making the matchups more competitive and in the interest of keeping PETA off our backs, let’s just assume these bouts are non-lethal skirmishes where the victor just needs to force a submission or chase his opponent away.

As for the actual Final Four, I have no idea who will win the games. The last time I paid close attention to college basketball I was still collecting pogs. So while I can’t really speak to the basketball aspect of the Final Four, I have spent plenty of time thinking about who would win in various animal skirmish scenarios. So that should lend a certain gravitas to these very important predictions.

Wisconsin Badgers vs. Kentucky Wildcats

At first glance, this may look like a pretty easy win for the wildcat. A wildcat is much bigger than a badger and certainly would seem to have just about every physical advantage. It is no doubt a finely tuned killing machine that would have no problem dispatching most NCAA mascots (including my beloved Sebastian the Ibis, who would no doubt be quickly savaged by even a juvenile wildcat). Continue reading

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Fourteen Freds

Last year we had a post honoring the world’s Franks. The time has now come to celebrate another workmanlike, perfectly adequate name that for some reason has fallen on hard times: Freds of the world rejoice!

In doing a bit of research for this post, we stumbled upon a delightful/simpatico resource that honors the Freds of the world in a worthy manner: The Fred Society. There may be some overlap here of the Freds we highlight, but I hope our combined efforts can build more Fred-respect and perhaps create a resurgence of kids named Fred.

Here’s to you, people named Fred!

Fred McGriff – There have been a slew of notable baseball Freds (Fred Lynn, Freddy Garcia, Freddie Freeman, Freddie Sanchez, and of course my friend JD’s favorite manager, the much beloved Fredi Gonzalez), but the Crime Dog is the best of the bunch. The Tampa native managed to smash 493 career dingers despite his awful swing that looked like an old left-handed man swinging a cane at a mosquito.

Fred 'Crime Dog' McGriff pointing with authority.

Fred ‘Crime Dog’ McGriff pointing with authority.

Fred Astaire – Outside of MC Hammer, maybe the best dancer of the 20th century.

Fred Astaire, born Frederick Austerlitz, the pride of Omaha.

Fred Astaire, born Frederick Austerlitz, the pride of Omaha.

Fred, Right Said – The 60s gave us Civil Rights and Dylan, the 90s gave us Pokemon and Right Said Fred; the creators of the timeless tribute to unmerited braggadocio I’m Too Sexy. Continue reading

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Fantasy Football: Big Evil Corporation League

An email to kickoff the new season of the ultra-exclusive Big Evil Corporation Fantasy Football League.

Gentlemen, the time has come for yet another year of Fantasy Football. I’d like to extend a welcome to our newest addition to the league, FoxConn. You may remember them from such things as paying their workers shockingly low wages, aggressively polluting the environment, and not allowing bathroom breaks until the factory-mandated iPhone quota for the day has been fulfilled.

I’m just teasing of course. You’ll find that there’s a lot of good-natured ribbing here FoxConn, welcome aboard.

We have assembled on this encrypted email thread, 15 of the world’s largest, most ruthless corporations. Continue reading

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Finals Frenzy, Fair-Weather Fans

We are in the midst of another NBA Finals Frenzy here in south Florida. It’s hard not to get swept up in it. Even people who ordinarily hate basketball are finding themselves wearing LeBron jerseys, googling pictures of the Birdman, staying up late to watch the games with riveted intensity, and enthusiastically talking Heat basketball on Facebook.

There’s a shared sense of palpable excitement in the air. It’s gripping and awesome… even though we all know it’s such a fleeting thing – and even more cynically – that our love for the Heat is entirely dependent on the outcome of game 7. Win, and the adoration continues. Lose, and we quickly move on to caring about whatever the next big thing may be. (Dolphins in ’13??? Nah you’re right probably something else.)

That is a bit of a sad thought, but it says a lot about human nature. Continue reading

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Flopping

There are a lot of irritating things about sports. The fans (looking at you ‘Bama, Jets, Yankees enthusiasts), the commercials (looking at you FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE), the $11 beers, cheapskate owners (OBVIOUSLY LOOKING AT YOU JEFF LORIA), pompous players with an outsize opinion of themselves. But almost all of these sports-related aggravations are off-the-field matters. The games themselves are for the most part, beautiful.

There is however one dastardly phenomenon that continues to sully the good name of sports everywhere. It is an increasingly alarming problem that must be stopped, lest we anger the gods of athletics and sportsmanship to their breaking point; leaving them no choice but to destroy us all (or to leave us only with NASCAR as punishment).

We are of course talking about the shameful act of FLOPPING. Continue reading

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Fake Friendships, Flying Frogs, Falcons & Flacco

What a week for F! The Falcons and the greatest F-QB since Frerotte, Gus – Flacco, Joe – both have a shot at the Super Bowl this weekend, Manti Te’o set us up beautifully for a Fake Friendships post, and Neatorama reported on a new species of flying frog. Whew, where to begin… Let’s start with the Te’o debacle.

Fake Friendships

You’re not going to believe this, but some people use the anonymity of the Internet to pass themselves off as something/someone they are not. I know right! Hard to believe. Notre Dame star Manti Te’o learned this lesson the hard way this week. Continue reading

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Fan Free-Agency

Folks, there are times in life when inexplicable things happen and you just need to re-evaluate your life and the sports teams you root for. When that existential crisis comes, and it will, you need to surround yourself with people of wisdom – or at least someone who is very tall. (Tall = Trustworthy… sorry it’s Science).

It’s been that kind of a week here for all of us in South Florida. Our beloved baseball team, The Marlins, have once again broken our hearts and given us the ol’ Three Stooges eye poke by trading away all our best, most popular players. To help us sort through our feelings and deal with the fallout of this most recent debacle, please welcome back the very wise and tall, Mr. Rick Hunter.

By: Rick Hunter

As a native South Floridian, and life-long baseball fan, I remember life without a local Major League Baseball team. That all changed when Charlie Hough threw that first knuckleballed “strike” into Benito Santiago’s mitt in April of 1993. The years since have had their share of highs (two World Series championships) and lows (a strike that cancelled the 1994 World Series, a pitcher deported for playing under an assumed name, another former pitcher serving prison time for attempting to kill five men with a machete and then pouring gasoline on them, Scott Stapp’s “Marlins Will Soar”).

All things being equal, as a fan, one can live with the occasional attempted murder/burning and trouble with INS for an average of one World Championship a decade (thinking of you, Cubs fan… thanks for Bartman, by the way).

But as much as championship success has defined the Marlins, so has the regular purging of its roster. Marlins fans have had to suffer not one, not two, but three fire sales – the last one of which has pushed this baseball fan over the proverbial cliff. Continue reading

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