Category Archives: Fake Recipes

Fake Recipes: Flavorless Failure Fuel Trail Mix

The latest in our continuing series of hard-hitting un-recipes. Bone Appleteat amigos.

Are you looking for a snack that’s short on taste but long on chewing? Are you averse to bold flavors? Do you hunger for hearty nourishment, but feel unworthy to partake in zest? Do you yearn for food that is commensurate with your life’s overall bland mediocrity and lack of ambition? Boy have we got a recipe for you.

FLAVORLESS FAILURE FUEL TRAIL MIX

– Unsalted peanuts

– Those curvy Chex Mix breadstix

– Lettuce Nuggets (just smash some iceberg in your hand and ball it up)

– Raw cabbage strips

– Your daughter’s discarded PBJ wheat bread crusts

– Whatever it is they use to construct McDonald’s 0.99 chicken sandwiches

– Dehydrated egg whites

– Plain rice cakes

– Unseasoned beans

– Cauliflower shavings

– Yellow Starburst

 

 

 

 

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Fake Recipes: Fried Fritters

A couple months back we thought it would be funny to start a series documenting some fake recipes – in an effort to combat what we feel is the unfortunate, misguided “Pinterest-ization” of America. Human judgment and insecurity are reaching new heights and aspiring cooks are being discouraged by the thousands due to this troublesome phenomenon. It’s a real problem.

In this series, we’re speaking up for all the folks out there who may feel marginalized or pressured to not just crank out delicious meals with hip ingredients, but also present them in a way that would pass the Gordon Ramsay hissy fit test.

We are all about freedom here – including freedom from judgment. However you express yourself in the culinary realm should not be subjected to snooty scorn. Hot Pocket Ramen? Baloney Tacos? Sounds good, go for it! (maybe slip a multivitamin in there as well though)

No one should feel coerced into a competition of frivolous fancy-ness or feel bad about trying new things that may very well end up being pretty gross.

With that in mind, please enjoy this (fake) recipe idea for open-minded people on the go! Continue reading

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Fake Recipes: Frozen Margaritas

In an effort to combat the Pinterest-ization of America, which seems to be putting an undue amount of pressure on people to have the best, hippest, most delicious recipes, in addition to having the most bedazzled fanny pack, we are starting a new series to offer up some basic recipe ideas for the common man. Keep in mind that none of us here at TMF have ever officially “cooked” or “made anything” per se, so we’re just wingin’ it. We hope this will be a good exercise in freeing you from the constraints of modern cooking that so unfairly demand good taste, viable nutrition, and adorable presentation.

Today we’ll look at that classic all-American staple, the Frozen Margarita.

1. First things first, you’ll need a handle of booze, preferably tequila. Go ahead and put some tequila in a shot glass. Feel free to take that one for good luck or to calm those pre-cooking jitters; no judgment here. Then just pour the rest into a blender. Don’t worry about measuring, if there’s anything we’ve learned from cooking shows it’s that you need to rush around the kitchen like your pants are on fire to be a good chef. Continue reading

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