Category Archives: Future Forecastings

Future Forecastings: Fortune 500s

As our world continues to careen uncontrollably toward the fulfillment of every major plot point from Idiocracy, we’d like to offer up this list of future companies that may very well make the Fortune 500 list in the coming years.

Cheeto Lint Roll, Inc. – Too tired to get up and wash all that Cheeto-dust off your hands? Don’t feel like expending the effort to lick the cheetle off your fingers? Try new Cheeto-Dust Lint Rollers! They’ll peel all that unwanted Cheeto surplus right off without all the hassle of getting off the couch! Cool Ranch Rollers sold separately.

All-Purpose Food Waffler – Wish everything you eat could be turned into a waffle? Well now you can thanks to the amazing Food Waffler! Simply place any food item inside the state-of-the-art All-Purpose Food Waffler©, push the ‘Waffle’ button, and wait for your food item to be compressed into a waffle-like shape!

Car Cruise Missile Outfitters – Attempts to circumvent the Handgun Ban of 2030 will result in the proliferation of vehicles being armed with mini cruise missile systems, both for safety and as a means to facilitate the resolution of traffic disputes. We can’t be more than 15 years away from it being totally normal to see soccer moms driving Honda Odysseys equipped with heat-seeking Tomahawk missiles.

Hydra-Pants® – This one’s actually semi-serious. I came up with this idea a few years ago after nearly melting to death in Hyderabad: Pants with an internal cooling system for the working man on the go.

Nervous on a first date? Have an aversion to shorts; or prefer to wear pants even in the dead of summer in an effort to hide the leg scars which bear witness to your dark past as a boar wrestler? No problem, just hit the switch on your Hydra-Pants and let the cooling system do its magic. It may be summer on the outside, but it’s winter for your undercarriage year-round!

Sure it’s a stupid idea but you know they’d sell like a billion of these.

Rent-A-Drone – Like to know what people are doing? Want to know what that shady neighbor’s up to? Have a sneaking suspicion that a coup is brewing in Bermuda and want to do a little reconnaissance? Hire a drone for the day and find out for sure.

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Future Forecastings: 2013

As we welcome a New Year, it’s time once again to unleash the groundless hunches, uneducated guesses and baseless predictions our new media have trained us to love so much. To honor our noble modern traditions: jumping to conclusions, inflaming passions for ratings’ sake, and of course biased, uninformed prognosticating on world events… we give you this list of things that may happen in the coming year.

  • Upon hearing of rampant unrighteousness among penguins, the “Westboro Baptist Church” will sail to Antarctica to protest. The penguins will get a bit annoyed but for the most part tune them out.
  • I will somehow be bitten/tusked by a wild boar and a tiger, thus completing the rare feat of having been bit by the entire* Chinese Zodiac animal roster. Completing the “Bitten by the Zodiac Cycle” will somehow be parlayed into an attempt to secure a General Tso’s For Life prize.
    After this year's rat bite, just a boar, tiger and mythical dragon short of the cycle.

    After this year’s rat bite, I’m just a boar, tiger and mythical dragon short of getting ‘bit by the cycle.’

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Future Forecastings

In the spirit of Conan’s classic “In the Year 2000” skits, please welcome a new series where we put on our projection goggles and throw out some ideas of what we think might happen in the near future. Enjoy!

  • Space Jam 2, starring Lebron James, Jeremy Lin, Metta World Peace and Delonte West will go on to win the award for Best Picture, and become the world’s all-time highest grossing film.
  • TMF will go public, only to flummox disappointed investors.
  • F will be designated the “official letter” of at least one U.S. state.
  • That new show, the Cajun Pawn Shop Owners of Alaska who Also Make Cupcakes and Buy Storage Lockers, will become TV’s #1 rated show.
  • Loyal fans of the TV show Friends will riot when they see their beloved show ranked below Family Matters, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and F Troop on the forthcoming list of the top F TV shows of all time.
  • Overalls will become a fashion rage, but farmers won’t like it.
  • I will breathlessly watch every minute of swimming and gymnastics during the Summer Olympics, then not watch those things again until 2016.
  • “Free Will and Free Willy: Did Willy Choose to Jump?” will go on to become TMF’s most thought-provoking, controversial entry.
  • You will have a tremendous summer buoyed by the promise of Space Jam 2, and a renewed sense of how grateful you are for all the nice things in your life!

What do you think will happen? Let’s stay positive now, none of these “war, pestilence, strife etc.” frowny face ideas. 

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