There are a lot of irritating things about sports. The fans (looking at you ‘Bama, Jets, Yankees enthusiasts), the commercials (looking at you FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE), the $11 beers, cheapskate owners (OBVIOUSLY LOOKING AT YOU JEFF LORIA), pompous players with an outsize opinion of themselves. But almost all of these sports-related aggravations are off-the-field matters. The games themselves are for the most part, beautiful.
There is however one dastardly phenomenon that continues to sully the good name of sports everywhere. It is an increasingly alarming problem that must be stopped, lest we anger the gods of athletics and sportsmanship to their breaking point; leaving them no choice but to destroy us all (or to leave us only with NASCAR as punishment).
We are of course talking about the shameful act of FLOPPING. Continue reading
This week’s face off pits two of the greatest comic strips of the recent era against one another: FoxTrot vs. The Far Side. Both very funny, both with loyal followings and a stellar run of success, but today only one can emerge victorious. The loser of course shall go down in ignominious defeat – relegated to the scrap heap of Comics shame – next to The Lockhorns, or Cathy.
“There can be only one!” — All the Highlander movies Continue reading
“Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk.”
– Sir Isaac Newton
According to Wikipedia, the origins of the maxim “Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk” (DFtFoaND) can be traced back to Sir Isaac Newton, who uttered the famous phrase when engaged in an apple bobbing contest. That doesn’t sound right but if Wikipedia says so it must be true. Sigh, Wikipedia has destroyed my ability to think for myself and independently verify information.
Of course more recently we remember this phrase from a TV commercial featuring former Kazaam star and basketball legend, Shaquille O’ Neal. Shaq says DFtFoaND as a password to gain entry to some sort of mysterious slam-jam showcase lair, shortly before throwing down a nasty dunk that destroys the backboard and impresses some older b-ball fogeys. The commercial was culturally significant on many levels (what’s more significant than seeing stuff splode + get blowed up, and having famous people telling us what shoe to buy?), but perhaps most important was the introduction of DFtFoaND into our vernacular. Clearly the phrase was awesome – but what does it mean to fake the funk, and how does one avoid doing so? Continue reading
I’ll never forget the first time I did a fatality. I was Scorpion, my go-to Mortal Kombat character, and we’d just secured a friend’s Game Genie mag.
Once Kano (everyone’s least favorite MK character – a real fiend who I always relished doing fatalities to) was defeated and started to wobble, a shot of adrenalin raced through me as the glorious ‘Finish Him!’ prompt came on the screen.
I frantically mashed the buttons that would yield the gory results we longed to see. The tension was high but my focus was laser sharp. Then the screen turned dark, as we anticipated what was sure to be one of the coolest things we’d ever seen.
Scorpion took his mask off to reveal a skull head, then proceeded to roast his unfortunate foe with a splendid flame ball from his mouth. In an instant, Kano was incinerated into a skeleton as we fist-pumped and shouted with delight around the room, as only teenage boys committing Nintendo violence can. The game announcer congratulated us with a “Fatality!”
Take that Kano!
<Begin Youth of Today Rant> Of course the youth of today would laugh and scoff at the sort of video game violence we found so impressive, taboo and exciting back then. Nowadays most 8 year olds play games that are much more violent and graphic than anything Mortal Kombat had to offer.
In general, kids just know too much now. Nothing impresses them and you can’t tell them anything they don’t already know. But let me tell you something little Skyglow, or Plum or whatever you kids are named these days (back in my day kids had real names like Gibbler, Dobber or Cockroach!), you carry on with your Halos and your Duty that Calls, but know this: your games are impressive, but you’ll never appreciate your games the way your parents did. <End Rant>
Sigh, I suppose it is a part of life to long for simpler times that no longer exist. A time when uppercutting someone onto a bed of spikes really meant something. But alas all we’re left with is nostalgia and memories. And also an awesome Fatality Montage assembled by some generous public servant.
There was a time (roughly 1993-1994) where I wouldve taken a bullet for the Steiner Brothers, one of wrestling’s all-time great tag-teams duos. Aside from the Bushwhackers, Ric + Scotty were tops in my eyes.
Scotty’s special finishing move, the “Frankesteiner,“ was dazzling. It’s the sort of move that requires utter compliance from whoever you’re slamming, so it’s entirely impractical in terms of actual hand-to-hand combat, but man what a devastating finishing manuever. The sort of thing that if you could pull it off, no bully would ever come within 20 yards of you ever again and your legend would live on forever.
While other more celebrated, practical finishing moves may take center stage in wrestling lore (Hogan’s Leg Drop, Macho Man’s Flying Elbow, Stone Cold Stunner etc.), let us never forget to celebrate the legacy of the Frankensteiner. Enjoy.
We here at The Mighty F are still waiting for the Flowbee, one of the most visionary inventions of the 1980s, to come back and take its rightful place atop the hair-care world. This transcendent, currently defunct (you simply cannot rule out the possibility of a comeback) chotchkie was marketed to all the folks out there who care enough about their ‘do to buy a costly, zany hair vacuum gadget off of TV to keep it lookin’ good, but not quite enough to actually go out and get a haircut.
For those unfamiliar with the Flowbee, its essentially a vacuum that somehow cuts your hair. I personally haven’t been Flowbeed, and I’m not a scientist or a barber, so I gotta go with my gut on this one. And my gut says we haven’t seen the last of the Flowbee. Watch the compelling footage below if you don’t believe me.