Tag Archives: business

Future Forecastings: Fortune 500s

As our world continues to careen uncontrollably toward the fulfillment of every major plot point from Idiocracy, we’d like to offer up this list of future companies that may very well make the Fortune 500 list in the coming years.

Cheeto Lint Roll, Inc. – Too tired to get up and wash all that Cheeto-dust off your hands? Don’t feel like expending the effort to lick the cheetle off your fingers? Try new Cheeto-Dust Lint Rollers! They’ll peel all that unwanted Cheeto surplus right off without all the hassle of getting off the couch! Cool Ranch Rollers sold separately.

All-Purpose Food Waffler – Wish everything you eat could be turned into a waffle? Well now you can thanks to the amazing Food Waffler! Simply place any food item inside the state-of-the-art All-Purpose Food Waffler©, push the ‘Waffle’ button, and wait for your food item to be compressed into a waffle-like shape!

Car Cruise Missile Outfitters – Attempts to circumvent the Handgun Ban of 2030 will result in the proliferation of vehicles being armed with mini cruise missile systems, both for safety and as a means to facilitate the resolution of traffic disputes. We can’t be more than 15 years away from it being totally normal to see soccer moms driving Honda Odysseys equipped with heat-seeking Tomahawk missiles.

Hydra-Pants® – This one’s actually semi-serious. I came up with this idea a few years ago after nearly melting to death in Hyderabad: Pants with an internal cooling system for the working man on the go.

Nervous on a first date? Have an aversion to shorts; or prefer to wear pants even in the dead of summer in an effort to hide the leg scars which bear witness to your dark past as a boar wrestler? No problem, just hit the switch on your Hydra-Pants and let the cooling system do its magic. It may be summer on the outside, but it’s winter for your undercarriage year-round!

Sure it’s a stupid idea but you know they’d sell like a billion of these.

Rent-A-Drone – Like to know what people are doing? Want to know what that shady neighbor’s up to? Have a sneaking suspicion that a coup is brewing in Bermuda and want to do a little reconnaissance? Hire a drone for the day and find out for sure.

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Fantasy Football: Big Evil Corporation League

An email to kickoff the new season of the ultra-exclusive Big Evil Corporation Fantasy Football League.

Gentlemen, the time has come for yet another year of Fantasy Football. I’d like to extend a welcome to our newest addition to the league, FoxConn. You may remember them from such things as paying their workers shockingly low wages, aggressively polluting the environment, and not allowing bathroom breaks until the factory-mandated iPhone quota for the day has been fulfilled.

I’m just teasing of course. You’ll find that there’s a lot of good-natured ribbing here FoxConn, welcome aboard.

We have assembled on this encrypted email thread, 15 of the world’s largest, most ruthless corporations. Continue reading

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Face Off! Fanta vs. Faygo

We’ve got ourselves a humdinger of a mid-level soda battle today! Both with a chip on their shoulder, something to prove, and a formidable list of hilarious discontinued flavors to consider, this should really be an epic bout.

Who will win? Who will lose, and be bumped down the list of soda obscurity behind the likes of Chek Cola, Grapico, RC, or that warm banana soda they sell in Haiti?

Full disclosure: I have not officially “tasted” a Faygo product. I don’t think I’ve had a Fanta either, so this judgment will be based largely on speculation, marketing and flavor ambitiousness.

FAYGO

Straight out of Detroit, we first have the Faygo brand.  While I have never personally ventured to the fair city of Detroit, we do love underdogs here as well as woeful entities in need of support. This most definitely gives Faygo an early edge before we even start judging. Continue reading

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