Tag Archives: comedy

Fake Recipes: Flavorless Failure Fuel Trail Mix

The latest in our continuing series of hard-hitting un-recipes. Bone Appleteat amigos.

Are you looking for a snack that’s short on taste but long on chewing? Are you averse to bold flavors? Do you hunger for hearty nourishment, but feel unworthy to partake in zest? Do you yearn for food that is commensurate with your life’s overall bland mediocrity and lack of ambition? Boy have we got a recipe for you.

FLAVORLESS FAILURE FUEL TRAIL MIX

– Unsalted peanuts

– Those curvy Chex Mix breadstix

– Lettuce Nuggets (just smash some iceberg in your hand and ball it up)

– Raw cabbage strips

– Your daughter’s discarded PBJ wheat bread crusts

– Whatever it is they use to construct McDonald’s 0.99 chicken sandwiches

– Dehydrated egg whites

– Plain rice cakes

– Unseasoned beans

– Cauliflower shavings

– Yellow Starburst

 

 

 

 

2 Comments

Filed under Fake Recipes

Fifteen Favorites From 2013

We did it! We completed another year discussing things that start with F. I thought for sure we’d run out of compelling things to talk about by now, but the letter F continues to yield a rich supply of fascinating, fantastic minutiae.

2013 was another banner year for TMF. I want to thank all of you for your kind and continued support for this incredibly silly endeavor, which hopefully will continue to serve as an enjoyable escape for F enthusiasts — and Indonesian spambots bent on selling me low price fashion design purses — for years to come.

OK enough with the platitudes, let’s have look at fifteen of the finest flashes from the year that was: 15 of our favorite posts (along with choice excerpts) from 2013!

15. Fourteen Freds“…but the Crime Dog is the best of the bunch. The Tampa native managed to smash 493 career dingers despite his awful swing that looked like an old left-handed man swinging a cane at a mosquito…”

“Another all-time great Fred, Mr. Rogers is still inspiring all of us to be better neighbors. Last year after reading a story about Mr. Rogers, I removed a spiteful cactus wall I’d planted just to anger my neighbor.”

14. FreebirdYou’ve probably heard the song. You most likely know at least some of the words, have cranked it on the radio, and dare I guess, you’ve fervently air guitar’d along with it at some point.  But for those of you in far-flung places like Australia, Belgium, or Ohio, you may not fully appreciate the true meaning – the profound cultural weight – of Freebird.”

13. Frightening Fish“Despite Sebastian the Crab’s misleading portrayal in The Little Mermaid of life under the sea being some sort of delightful Calypso paradise; the reality is not quite so idyllic. The truth is that there are many alarming things lurking under our waters…”

12. 440s – 450s A.D.“Legend has it that during this time, Polynesian bigwig Hawaiiloa and a group of intrepid sailors sailed thousands of miles from their home in the South Pacific and managed to reach Hawaii. (Just another early example of Americans goin’ big, punching limitations in the face, and rockin’ it superpower-style).”

11. Fillmore, Millard“Did he enable a little bit of slavery here and there? You bet. Was he anti-Catholic, anti-Mason and did he generally loathe immigrants? His Know Nothing party affiliation would suggest probably so. Is he almost always rated as one of the worst U.S. presidents of all time? Strike… Either way, it’s redemption time for one of our most obscure, forgotten leaders.”

10. Flossing (Scared Straight)“Y’all just take a seat right over there. I wanna talk about your teeth. I used to be just like you. Cruisin’ through life, not thinking about my teeth. Sure, I knew in the back of my mind it was wrong to not floss; I had seen the commercials and whatnot. Momma always told me it was important. I suppose I knew there would be consequences one day.  But I didn’t care; I was young and invincible, right? <really starts yelling and getting into frightened kids’ faces> Look at me! Look at me now! Y’all don’t wanna be like me! Bleeding gums, needing a prescription mouthwash and a special toothbrush… You think this is funny? Advanced stage gingivitis homey!” Continue reading

7 Comments

Filed under F Lists

Flight of the Conchords Favorites

Like a glorious (New Zealand-shaped) comet streaking across the night sky, the Flight of the Conchords series on HBO was an ephemeral masterpiece that left us agape with wonder and yearning for more. Two seasons of delightfully earnest New Zealanders Jemaine (Jemaine Clement), Bret (Bret McKenzie) and Murray (Rhys Darby) trying to find their way in New York City was not nearly enough.

They are still with us of course. The Flight of the Conchords band (Jemaine and Bret) recently toured with the great Dave Chappelle, Bret scored the music for the most recent Muppets movie (and another forthcoming sequel), while other stars from the show are slaying it on Twitter and elsewhere. But the show was something special.

While the episodes relied heavily upon the inimitable deadpan of Jemaine, and the easy-going Kiwi naiveté of Bret and Murray, the writing was also brilliant. The songs, the dialogue and lovable characters all meshed and harmonized like a formidable All Blacks attack (token New Zealand rugby reference there… sorry it was either that or a Lord of the Rings analogy, or perhaps a reference to your admirable and robust textiles industry).

There are many great moments and songs from the series that deserve special praise, but here are just a few to honor the memory of a show that was gone too soon.

4 Comments

Filed under Film, F Entertainment

Flopping

There are a lot of irritating things about sports. The fans (looking at you ‘Bama, Jets, Yankees enthusiasts), the commercials (looking at you FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE), the $11 beers, cheapskate owners (OBVIOUSLY LOOKING AT YOU JEFF LORIA), pompous players with an outsize opinion of themselves. But almost all of these sports-related aggravations are off-the-field matters. The games themselves are for the most part, beautiful.

There is however one dastardly phenomenon that continues to sully the good name of sports everywhere. It is an increasingly alarming problem that must be stopped, lest we anger the gods of athletics and sportsmanship to their breaking point; leaving them no choice but to destroy us all (or to leave us only with NASCAR as punishment).

We are of course talking about the shameful act of FLOPPING. Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under F Athletics

Fozzie Bear

With the election safely behind us, let us now get back to the important things in life… like talking about lower-tier Muppets. Please welcome back our resident 80s expert Mr. Paul Washington and join him in showing some love for an under-appreciated icon.

By: Paul Washington

Today, we’re going to shine the spotlight on one of the great sidekicks of all time, Fozzie Bear.  For nearly 40 years, this struggling ursine stand-up comedian has faithfully stood in the shadow of his famous best friend, Kermit the Frog.

A frog and a bear: nature’s best friends.

Fozzie spent his pre-school days under the watchful eye of Nanny, having nursery room adventures with the aforementioned Kermit, as well as Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Animal, Bunsen and Beeker, and the twins, Skeeter and Scooter.  Even at that early age, his penchant for stand-up was evident.  It was also then that he honed his patented “Wocka Wocka Wocka!” after telling a bad joke.

Fozzie (here, a cartoon baby) was an early standard bearer for the letter F and a pioneer in promoting its virtues even before this blog took up that mantle.

10 Comments

Filed under F Commentary, Film, F Entertainment