Tag Archives: commentary

Fifteen Favorites From 2013

We did it! We completed another year discussing things that start with F. I thought for sure we’d run out of compelling things to talk about by now, but the letter F continues to yield a rich supply of fascinating, fantastic minutiae.

2013 was another banner year for TMF. I want to thank all of you for your kind and continued support for this incredibly silly endeavor, which hopefully will continue to serve as an enjoyable escape for F enthusiasts — and Indonesian spambots bent on selling me low price fashion design purses — for years to come.

OK enough with the platitudes, let’s have look at fifteen of the finest flashes from the year that was: 15 of our favorite posts (along with choice excerpts) from 2013!

15. Fourteen Freds“…but the Crime Dog is the best of the bunch. The Tampa native managed to smash 493 career dingers despite his awful swing that looked like an old left-handed man swinging a cane at a mosquito…”

“Another all-time great Fred, Mr. Rogers is still inspiring all of us to be better neighbors. Last year after reading a story about Mr. Rogers, I removed a spiteful cactus wall I’d planted just to anger my neighbor.”

14. FreebirdYou’ve probably heard the song. You most likely know at least some of the words, have cranked it on the radio, and dare I guess, you’ve fervently air guitar’d along with it at some point.  But for those of you in far-flung places like Australia, Belgium, or Ohio, you may not fully appreciate the true meaning – the profound cultural weight – of Freebird.”

13. Frightening Fish“Despite Sebastian the Crab’s misleading portrayal in The Little Mermaid of life under the sea being some sort of delightful Calypso paradise; the reality is not quite so idyllic. The truth is that there are many alarming things lurking under our waters…”

12. 440s – 450s A.D.“Legend has it that during this time, Polynesian bigwig Hawaiiloa and a group of intrepid sailors sailed thousands of miles from their home in the South Pacific and managed to reach Hawaii. (Just another early example of Americans goin’ big, punching limitations in the face, and rockin’ it superpower-style).”

11. Fillmore, Millard“Did he enable a little bit of slavery here and there? You bet. Was he anti-Catholic, anti-Mason and did he generally loathe immigrants? His Know Nothing party affiliation would suggest probably so. Is he almost always rated as one of the worst U.S. presidents of all time? Strike… Either way, it’s redemption time for one of our most obscure, forgotten leaders.”

10. Flossing (Scared Straight)“Y’all just take a seat right over there. I wanna talk about your teeth. I used to be just like you. Cruisin’ through life, not thinking about my teeth. Sure, I knew in the back of my mind it was wrong to not floss; I had seen the commercials and whatnot. Momma always told me it was important. I suppose I knew there would be consequences one day.  But I didn’t care; I was young and invincible, right? <really starts yelling and getting into frightened kids’ faces> Look at me! Look at me now! Y’all don’t wanna be like me! Bleeding gums, needing a prescription mouthwash and a special toothbrush… You think this is funny? Advanced stage gingivitis homey!” Continue reading

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Future Forecastings: Fortune 500s

As our world continues to careen uncontrollably toward the fulfillment of every major plot point from Idiocracy, we’d like to offer up this list of future companies that may very well make the Fortune 500 list in the coming years.

Cheeto Lint Roll, Inc. – Too tired to get up and wash all that Cheeto-dust off your hands? Don’t feel like expending the effort to lick the cheetle off your fingers? Try new Cheeto-Dust Lint Rollers! They’ll peel all that unwanted Cheeto surplus right off without all the hassle of getting off the couch! Cool Ranch Rollers sold separately.

All-Purpose Food Waffler – Wish everything you eat could be turned into a waffle? Well now you can thanks to the amazing Food Waffler! Simply place any food item inside the state-of-the-art All-Purpose Food Waffler©, push the ‘Waffle’ button, and wait for your food item to be compressed into a waffle-like shape!

Car Cruise Missile Outfitters – Attempts to circumvent the Handgun Ban of 2030 will result in the proliferation of vehicles being armed with mini cruise missile systems, both for safety and as a means to facilitate the resolution of traffic disputes. We can’t be more than 15 years away from it being totally normal to see soccer moms driving Honda Odysseys equipped with heat-seeking Tomahawk missiles.

Hydra-Pants® – This one’s actually semi-serious. I came up with this idea a few years ago after nearly melting to death in Hyderabad: Pants with an internal cooling system for the working man on the go.

Nervous on a first date? Have an aversion to shorts; or prefer to wear pants even in the dead of summer in an effort to hide the leg scars which bear witness to your dark past as a boar wrestler? No problem, just hit the switch on your Hydra-Pants and let the cooling system do its magic. It may be summer on the outside, but it’s winter for your undercarriage year-round!

Sure it’s a stupid idea but you know they’d sell like a billion of these.

Rent-A-Drone – Like to know what people are doing? Want to know what that shady neighbor’s up to? Have a sneaking suspicion that a coup is brewing in Bermuda and want to do a little reconnaissance? Hire a drone for the day and find out for sure.

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Frosted Flakes

When’s the last time you had a nice bowl of Frosted Flakes? It’s been years for me. I’m not sure why, they are delicious – perhaps the greatest of all the breakfast cereals – and yet I just keep ending up with some sort of lesser cereal that’s not even a little bit frosted. I guess this is part of getting older. As we age, our cereal selection gets progressively worse – more bran, more fiber, fewer marshmallows – until eventually we just give up and settle for plain Cheerios.

Are we powerless to reverse this trend? Am I doomed to a future of bland breakfast cereals that have no toys inside? Is there any going back? Continue reading

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Fan Free-Agency

Folks, there are times in life when inexplicable things happen and you just need to re-evaluate your life and the sports teams you root for. When that existential crisis comes, and it will, you need to surround yourself with people of wisdom – or at least someone who is very tall. (Tall = Trustworthy… sorry it’s Science).

It’s been that kind of a week here for all of us in South Florida. Our beloved baseball team, The Marlins, have once again broken our hearts and given us the ol’ Three Stooges eye poke by trading away all our best, most popular players. To help us sort through our feelings and deal with the fallout of this most recent debacle, please welcome back the very wise and tall, Mr. Rick Hunter.

By: Rick Hunter

As a native South Floridian, and life-long baseball fan, I remember life without a local Major League Baseball team. That all changed when Charlie Hough threw that first knuckleballed “strike” into Benito Santiago’s mitt in April of 1993. The years since have had their share of highs (two World Series championships) and lows (a strike that cancelled the 1994 World Series, a pitcher deported for playing under an assumed name, another former pitcher serving prison time for attempting to kill five men with a machete and then pouring gasoline on them, Scott Stapp’s “Marlins Will Soar”).

All things being equal, as a fan, one can live with the occasional attempted murder/burning and trouble with INS for an average of one World Championship a decade (thinking of you, Cubs fan… thanks for Bartman, by the way).

But as much as championship success has defined the Marlins, so has the regular purging of its roster. Marlins fans have had to suffer not one, not two, but three fire sales – the last one of which has pushed this baseball fan over the proverbial cliff. Continue reading

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Filed under F Athletics, F Commentary

Farkus, Scut

We are delighted today to welcome a true legend into our midst. Renowned for his expertise in litigation, political science, fantasy baseball and dinosaurs, Jean Duglás is also an accomplished author, Southern gentleman, dead-eye jumpshooter and feted uncle. Enjoy…

By: Jean Duglás

Scut Farkus.  He’s evil incarnate in coon-skin maraudering somewhere in the Rust Belt.  He’s making you kiss frozen metal objects.  He’s grabbed your wrist and applied enough torque to your Glenohumeral joint to make you yell for that creepy guy married to your mom’s sister.  He was the bane of Ralphie’s existence.

But Farkus is much, much more.

Farkus, Scut.

As an avid Second Amendment enthusiast, A Christmas Story is one of my favorite movies. Aside from the important message about the importance of further arming America’s youth, Farkus, and more importantly Ralphie’s ultimate response to Farkus, epitomizes the gusto with which I hope every EFFER* [that’s what you call TMF readers, right?] attacks life. Continue reading

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Florida Follies: An Open Letter

An Open Letter on Behalf of Florida:

There is no doubt that the great state of Florida has seen its share of troubles as of late, and caused more than its share of embarrassment. As one of the several other native Floridians, I acknowledge that we, as a state, have let you down. For that we are truly sorry.

We have much to apologize for and be ashamed of: alligators, that enormous confederate flag off of I-75 close to the Georgia border, Casey Anthony, enabling your poor Spring Break decisions, crotchety old people, the post-Marino Dolphins, gross social inequality, the middle part of the state, Café Risque billboards, hanging chads, terrible driving, ponzi schemers, parasailing accidents, shameful politicians, people eating other people’s faces, Ozzie Guillen’s yapper, lightning strikes (thanks, Clearwater), ubiquitous foreclosures, environmental degradation, underground cockfighting, sunburns, widespread gang activity, poachers, leading the nation in staged accidents for insurance purposes, mosquitoes, parent fights at kids’ sporting events, overpriced seedy motels, tourist murders, drug trafficking, the music of Pitbull, excessive heat, unleashing invasive species, producing an incredibly disappointing generation of entitled, shiftless, narcissistic, disrespectful young people with Jersey Shore haircuts… Continue reading

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Fantasy Baseball

By: Alfred J.

I’m not sure how many women read TMF blog, but for those that do, let me give you a quick tutorial on your husband/boyfriend/brother/son’s obsession with fantasy baseball.

Cooler than me? Never!

It has been mocked, called names (fake baseball, etc) and its enthusiasts  typecast as nerds just barely cooler than the comic book guy from The Simpsons. But this is unfair I say, unfair indeed.

First, imagine drafting a team made up of your favorite Bachelor contestants or Downton Abbey characters. Then imagine getting rewarded for their success in the show: if Lindzi gets a rose its like YOU getting a rose! Continue reading

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