Tag Archives: current events

Foreign Policy Fixes: The Middle East

These are turbulent times. Even places that are not usually so turbulent seem to be getting pretty turbulent. Unfortunately, the Middle East is still leading the pack as far as regions that are quite turbulent.

Turbulent.

There are so many complex issues that cause tension in the Middle East. There are intractable religious, political and philosophical differences at play, and of course the eternal dispute of who exactly invented the falafel.

But no problem is unsolvable. Not when delightful 80s cartoon icons THE CARE BEARS are on the case.

(L) The Care Bears, being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

The Care Bears (L), being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

In the spirit of remaining committed to the idea of offering up potential foreign policy fixes – based largely on inadequate research, internet skimmings, lessons learned from Operation Dumbo Drop, and cartoons – we humbly offer this Care Bear path to peace in the Middle East.

12. Ease tensions through inter-community “Care Bear Countdowns.”

11. Acts of forgiveness, reconciliation and compromise to be rewarded with cash prizes, hugs, and Grams Bear’s famous oven fresh care cookies.

10. Increase interfaith hand-holding by 300% by 2015.

9. Weekly, highly concentrated Care Bear Stares into volatile neighborhoods.

Care Bear Stare!

8. Netanyahu and Abbas to perform a musical number together about sharing, under the stern but capable direction of Grumpy Bear.

7. Flood the region with regular rainbow assaults.

6. In conjunction with the NSA, build a ‘Non-Caring Person’ database/watch list of those exhibiting uncaring tendencies; monitor them closely, and eventually persuade them to care again through a barrage of uplifting positivity and self-affirming encouragement.

5. Everyone gets a Cloud Car to ride around in.

4. Repeat offenders and unrepentant non-sharers will be paid a visit by Braveheart Lion.

3. Those who display a callous attitude or are mean will be immediately sent to the Care-a-Lot Rehabilitation Facility for an indefinite period of time.

2. The age-old sowers of discord Professor Coldheart, Beastly and Shreeky must be neutralized once and for all.

1. Oopsy Bear will be given some sort of mundane, ancillary task to avoid screwing this whole thing up.

Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.

Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.

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Florida PR Email Leak

I can only imagine that whoever has the task of doing Public Relations for the state of Florida has, shall we say, a challenging job. Here is a fake “leaked email” that I could see coming from that beleaguered PR office.

Greetings everyone.

Guys, I’m disappointed. This was supposed to be a huge year for us, what with the 500th anniversary of Florida’s discovery, the “Viva Florida” campaign and all the other great initiatives we’ve been working so hard on.

The attention seems to be backfiring. Have you seen all this stuff about Ponce de Leon being a fraud and calling our whole history into question? They’re just using this as one more way to shame us and frame us as “the crazy state.” We need to figure out how to deal with this.

The big question remains of how to engage this attention and unflattering press. Do we embrace the bad boy persona? Do we resist it? Do we ignore it and just keep pounding out uplifting press releases?

Either way we need to get a handle on this. Being a laughingstock is bad for business. We’re about one more idiot trying to ride a manatee away from losing all the progress we’ve made since the Bath Salts Zombie fiasco. Continue reading

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