The latest in our continuing series of hard-hitting un-recipes. Bone Appleteat amigos.
Are you looking for a snack that’s short on taste but long on chewing? Are you averse to bold flavors? Do you hunger for hearty nourishment, but feel unworthy to partake in zest? Do you yearn for food that is commensurate with your life’s overall bland mediocrity and lack of ambition? Boy have we got a recipe for you.
FLAVORLESS FAILURE FUEL TRAIL MIX
– Unsalted peanuts
– Those curvy Chex Mix breadstix
– Lettuce Nuggets (just smash some iceberg in your hand and ball it up)
– Raw cabbage strips
– Your daughter’s discarded PBJ wheat bread crusts
– Whatever it is they use to construct McDonald’s 0.99 chicken sandwiches
– Dehydrated egg whites
– Plain rice cakes
– Unseasoned beans
– Cauliflower shavings
– Yellow Starburst
An impassioned letter from a guy to his family, pleading for an opportunity to fulfill his dream of growing his hair out. Enjoy!
I’d like to begin by saying that I love each of you dearly. You are the light of my life, and my everything. Which is why I hope you will understand, and perhaps eventually support, my recent decision to grow my hair out. Continue reading
“A Festivus for the rest of us!” – Frank Costanza
Dear friends, Festivus is fast approaching (Dec. 23). Don’t worry I didn’t get you anything either. That’s okay because Festivus is not that kind of celebration.
While Festivus was technically created in the 60s by writer Dan O’Keefe, the holiday as it exists today was introduced to us by the great Frank Costanza (via O’Keefe’s screenwriter son who wrote it into the script) in one of the best Seinfeld episodes of all time, “The Strike.” This 1997 episode was packed with legendary antics and one-liners that would quickly become part of our vernacular (“The Human Fund,” the “Two Face,” Kramer on strike: “It’s a walk out!” Elaine’s sub card, etc.), but the introduction of Festivus spawned something transcendent: an actual holiday that is observed around the world to this day. It is officially a thing. And while invented for comedic purposes, perhaps other major holidays could learn something from the traditions of this special day?
Festivus means different things to different people, so I can only offer what it means to me. But together, I hope we can unearth the true meaning of Festivus.
To kick things off, let us begin with… the Airing of Grievances. Continue reading
Apparently it is now Fall. Whatever that means; it was like 93 degrees here yesterday. Every year in Florida we rely on other people to tell us when seasons are allegedly changing elsewhere in the world, so I have to assume you guys are telling us the truth.
Despite not having much in the way of changing seasons, I do look forward to this time of year – if only to live vicariously through the quaint things you upper 47’ers do with all your pumpkins, snow and leaves. Here are the five things that to me, encapsulate all that is wonderful about this time of year. Continue reading