Tag Archives: foreign policy

Foreign Policy Fixes: The Middle East

These are turbulent times. Even places that are not usually so turbulent seem to be getting pretty turbulent. Unfortunately, the Middle East is still leading the pack as far as regions that are quite turbulent.


There are so many complex issues that cause tension in the Middle East. There are intractable religious, political and philosophical differences at play, and of course the eternal dispute of who exactly invented the falafel.

But no problem is unsolvable. Not when delightful 80s cartoon icons THE CARE BEARS are on the case.

(L) The Care Bears, being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

The Care Bears (L), being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

In the spirit of remaining committed to the idea of offering up potential foreign policy fixes – based largely on inadequate research, internet skimmings, lessons learned from Operation Dumbo Drop, and cartoons – we humbly offer this Care Bear path to peace in the Middle East.

12. Ease tensions through inter-community “Care Bear Countdowns.”

11. Acts of forgiveness, reconciliation and compromise to be rewarded with cash prizes, hugs, and Grams Bear’s famous oven fresh care cookies.

10. Increase interfaith hand-holding by 300% by 2015.

9. Weekly, highly concentrated Care Bear Stares into volatile neighborhoods.

Care Bear Stare!

8. Netanyahu and Abbas to perform a musical number together about sharing, under the stern but capable direction of Grumpy Bear.

7. Flood the region with regular rainbow assaults.

6. In conjunction with the NSA, build a ‘Non-Caring Person’ database/watch list of those exhibiting uncaring tendencies; monitor them closely, and eventually persuade them to care again through a barrage of uplifting positivity and self-affirming encouragement.

5. Everyone gets a Cloud Car to ride around in.

4. Repeat offenders and unrepentant non-sharers will be paid a visit by Braveheart Lion.

3. Those who display a callous attitude or are mean will be immediately sent to the Care-a-Lot Rehabilitation Facility for an indefinite period of time.

2. The age-old sowers of discord Professor Coldheart, Beastly and Shreeky must be neutralized once and for all.

1. Oopsy Bear will be given some sort of mundane, ancillary task to avoid screwing this whole thing up.

Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.

Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.


Filed under Foreign Policy Fixes

Finnish Him!

Today we’re talking about Finland.

Finland is so hot right now! Number one in education, chock-full of beautiful, athletic people, close to the top of the Happiness Index, boatloads of reindeer, world-class infrastructure, dominant in all those economic/health/quality of life categories; the Finns are absolutely crushin’ it.

How do they do it? What are their secrets? 

Finland is just crushin’ it these days! Flag via CIA Factbook, so don’t do anything weird with it.

This of course should be at the top of every U.S. politician’s agenda (figuring out how to co-opt things and ideas from other countries in a way that is beneficial to us) but it’s not easy to admit when you’ve been outhustled, outmaneuvered and outcoached. The truth is, we’re being out-America’d.

It’s time to put the pride aside America. Time to head to Helsinki, flat-billed MLB hats in hand, and say, “Alright, how’d you do it?” Better we do this now as opposed to a Kent Brockman-esque welcoming of our new Finnish overlords in 2085. “Hail, Finns!” Continue reading


Filed under Fjords, Foreign Lands, Foreign Policy Fixes

Foreign Policy Ideas: Greenland

I recall making a wager with a roommate (the legendary, roommate hall of fame CW) in college that there was no sort of civilization currently happening in Greenland. For some reason I imagined it to be an uninhabitable frozen wasteland, abandoned long ago and left to the polar bears and ice wolves or whatnot. How we arrived at this specific wager I cannot recall, other than to say you discuss a great many things when you’re in college (drinking Miller Hi-Life).

Of course I could not have been more wrong. There are indeed people living in Greenland. Not only are there people (more than 56,000 at last count), there are schools, hospitals, at least one soccer field and even a university!

That people can survive in such ridiculous conditions as Greenland is nothing less than a triumph of the human spirit that should be celebrated, and more importantly; co-opted, extracted and somehow used for our personal gain. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Foreign Lands, Foreign Policy Fixes

Foreign Policy Ideas: North Korea

This is a new series where we throw out some ideas on how to approach the always complex, thorny world of foreign relations. We’ll look at things from an American perspective, cuz we’re an American blog and we do things the American way. If you don’t like it you can geeeet out!

Today’s Topic: North Korea

North Korea continues to be a thorn in the side of planet earth. On the world stage, NK is that guy on the fringe of your group who no one likes but everyone placates because he’s crazy and owns weapons. Unfortunately in this case, we’re dealing with a crazy friend with access to nukes, and who also has many millions of neglected, innocent dependents. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Foreign Lands, Foreign Policy Fixes