We’re here today to shine a good light on yet another F subject that is often overlooked, disparaged, undervalued, and sometimes even stepped on* by accident. Yes: frogs are for the most part what one might consider gross. No doubt their wild, unpredictable hopping can be unsettling. And yes, some are so butt ugly they may make you want to vomit. They have the dubious distinction of being on the short list of animals that have been used as Plagues.
But you know what? Frogs are also pretty awesome. A vastly underrated species if you ask me.
Let’s celebrate our amphibian friends by pointing out some of their more flattering features.
Holy cow have you seen some of these poison dart frogs? These crazy-colorful beauties that mostly live in Central and South America got their name from the heyday of when people were using the frogs’ poison in their blowdarts** to settle various scores.
Have a look at some of these punams! But don’t touch, lest you end up looking like Martin Short in whatever terrible 80s movie that was with Danny Glover when he gets stung by all those bees.
Cobalt Dart Frog
The Green & Black Poison Dart Frog, highly dangerous due to its striking resemblance to a delicious Andes Mint.
I’ll never forget the first time I did a fatality. I was Scorpion, my go-to Mortal Kombat character, and we’d just secured a friend’s Game Genie mag.
Once Kano (everyone’s least favorite MK character – a real fiend who I always relished doing fatalities to) was defeated and started to wobble, a shot of adrenalin raced through me as the glorious ‘Finish Him!’ prompt came on the screen.
I frantically mashed the buttons that would yield the gory results we longed to see. The tension was high but my focus was laser sharp. Then the screen turned dark, as we anticipated what was sure to be one of the coolest things we’d ever seen.
Scorpion took his mask off to reveal a skull head, then proceeded to roast his unfortunate foe with a splendid flame ball from his mouth. In an instant, Kano was incinerated into a skeleton as we fist-pumped and shouted with delight around the room, as only teenage boys committing Nintendo violence can. The game announcer congratulated us with a “Fatality!”
Take that Kano!
<Begin Youth of Today Rant> Of course the youth of today would laugh and scoff at the sort of video game violence we found so impressive, taboo and exciting back then. Nowadays most 8 year olds play games that are much more violent and graphic than anything Mortal Kombat had to offer.
In general, kids just know too much now. Nothing impresses them and you can’t tell them anything they don’t already know. But let me tell you something little Skyglow, or Plum or whatever you kids are named these days (back in my day kids had real names like Gibbler, Dobber or Cockroach!), you carry on with your Halos and your Duty that Calls, but know this: your games are impressive, but you’ll never appreciate your games the way your parents did. <End Rant>
Sigh, I suppose it is a part of life to long for simpler times that no longer exist. A time when uppercutting someone onto a bed of spikes really meant something. But alas all we’re left with is nostalgia and memories. And also an awesome Fatality Montage assembled by some generous public servant.