Tag Archives: Middle East

Foreign Policy Fixes: The Middle East

These are turbulent times. Even places that are not usually so turbulent seem to be getting pretty turbulent. Unfortunately, the Middle East is still leading the pack as far as regions that are quite turbulent.

Turbulent.

There are so many complex issues that cause tension in the Middle East. There are intractable religious, political and philosophical differences at play, and of course the eternal dispute of who exactly invented the falafel.

But no problem is unsolvable. Not when delightful 80s cartoon icons THE CARE BEARS are on the case.

(L) The Care Bears, being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

The Care Bears (L), being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

In the spirit of remaining committed to the idea of offering up potential foreign policy fixes – based largely on inadequate research, internet skimmings, lessons learned from Operation Dumbo Drop, and cartoons – we humbly offer this Care Bear path to peace in the Middle East.

12. Ease tensions through inter-community “Care Bear Countdowns.”

11. Acts of forgiveness, reconciliation and compromise to be rewarded with cash prizes, hugs, and Grams Bear’s famous oven fresh care cookies.

10. Increase interfaith hand-holding by 300% by 2015.

9. Weekly, highly concentrated Care Bear Stares into volatile neighborhoods.

Care Bear Stare!

8. Netanyahu and Abbas to perform a musical number together about sharing, under the stern but capable direction of Grumpy Bear.

7. Flood the region with regular rainbow assaults.

6. In conjunction with the NSA, build a ‘Non-Caring Person’ database/watch list of those exhibiting uncaring tendencies; monitor them closely, and eventually persuade them to care again through a barrage of uplifting positivity and self-affirming encouragement.

5. Everyone gets a Cloud Car to ride around in.

4. Repeat offenders and unrepentant non-sharers will be paid a visit by Braveheart Lion.

3. Those who display a callous attitude or are mean will be immediately sent to the Care-a-Lot Rehabilitation Facility for an indefinite period of time.

2. The age-old sowers of discord Professor Coldheart, Beastly and Shreeky must be neutralized once and for all.

1. Oopsy Bear will be given some sort of mundane, ancillary task to avoid screwing this whole thing up.

Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.

Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.

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Future Forecastings: 2013

As we welcome a New Year, it’s time once again to unleash the groundless hunches, uneducated guesses and baseless predictions our new media have trained us to love so much. To honor our noble modern traditions: jumping to conclusions, inflaming passions for ratings’ sake, and of course biased, uninformed prognosticating on world events… we give you this list of things that may happen in the coming year.

  • Upon hearing of rampant unrighteousness among penguins, the “Westboro Baptist Church” will sail to Antarctica to protest. The penguins will get a bit annoyed but for the most part tune them out.
  • I will somehow be bitten/tusked by a wild boar and a tiger, thus completing the rare feat of having been bit by the entire* Chinese Zodiac animal roster. Completing the “Bitten by the Zodiac Cycle” will somehow be parlayed into an attempt to secure a General Tso’s For Life prize.
    After this year's rat bite, just a boar, tiger and mythical dragon short of the cycle.

    After this year’s rat bite, I’m just a boar, tiger and mythical dragon short of getting ‘bit by the cycle.’

    Continue reading

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Falafel

So much more than just fried chickpeas, this crispy temptress is one of those dishes that transcends mere eating. Falafel has emerged as such a beloved phenomenon that its origins have become a hotly disputed matter of national pride.

One falafel creation story claims it was invented by Coptic folks in Egypt who were looking for something substantial to eat during Lent. With Holy Season approaching, I like the sound of this story, but pretty much every other country in the Middle East has their own version of events.

Regardless of who created the falafel, the important thing is we all now have falafel. For that, all of us here at TMF say a big SHUKRAN/TODA/THANK YOU! Continue reading

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