Tag Archives: news

Fourteen Fresh Foreign Tourism Slogans

Iceland – “Very similar to level 6 on Super Mario 3.”

Bolivia – “Come for the salt flats, stay for the iguana meat salteñas!”

China – “What’s a few more people?”

Croatia – “Do not be intimidated by the crazy spellings.”

England – “Come see yer ol’ mum an’ colonial master guvna.”

Zambia – “So much copper!

Faroe Islands – “We’re Torshavn a ball!”

Papua New Guinea – “We’ll let you name a mountain.”

Indonesia – “Hurry, before the Komodo dragons turn on us.”

Romania – “The bloody lore of Transylvania has been greatly exaggerated.”

Malawi – “Anyone besides Madonna please.”

San Marino – “The leading travel destination for those who were initially just trying to google ‘Dan Marino.’

Greenland – “In life, there are precious few opportunities to see a narwhal!”

Germany – “Bygones?”

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Filed under F Lists, Foreign Lands

Foreign Policy Fixes: The Middle East

These are turbulent times. Even places that are not usually so turbulent seem to be getting pretty turbulent. Unfortunately, the Middle East is still leading the pack as far as regions that are quite turbulent.

Turbulent.

There are so many complex issues that cause tension in the Middle East. There are intractable religious, political and philosophical differences at play, and of course the eternal dispute of who exactly invented the falafel.

But no problem is unsolvable. Not when delightful 80s cartoon icons THE CARE BEARS are on the case.

(L) The Care Bears, being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

The Care Bears (L), being pursued by evil fiend Beastly (R).

In the spirit of remaining committed to the idea of offering up potential foreign policy fixes – based largely on inadequate research, internet skimmings, lessons learned from Operation Dumbo Drop, and cartoons – we humbly offer this Care Bear path to peace in the Middle East.

12. Ease tensions through inter-community “Care Bear Countdowns.”

11. Acts of forgiveness, reconciliation and compromise to be rewarded with cash prizes, hugs, and Grams Bear’s famous oven fresh care cookies.

10. Increase interfaith hand-holding by 300% by 2015.

9. Weekly, highly concentrated Care Bear Stares into volatile neighborhoods.

Care Bear Stare!

8. Netanyahu and Abbas to perform a musical number together about sharing, under the stern but capable direction of Grumpy Bear.

7. Flood the region with regular rainbow assaults.

6. In conjunction with the NSA, build a ‘Non-Caring Person’ database/watch list of those exhibiting uncaring tendencies; monitor them closely, and eventually persuade them to care again through a barrage of uplifting positivity and self-affirming encouragement.

5. Everyone gets a Cloud Car to ride around in.

4. Repeat offenders and unrepentant non-sharers will be paid a visit by Braveheart Lion.

3. Those who display a callous attitude or are mean will be immediately sent to the Care-a-Lot Rehabilitation Facility for an indefinite period of time.

2. The age-old sowers of discord Professor Coldheart, Beastly and Shreeky must be neutralized once and for all.

1. Oopsy Bear will be given some sort of mundane, ancillary task to avoid screwing this whole thing up.

Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.

Oopsy Bear, what an idiot.

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Florida PR Email Leak

I can only imagine that whoever has the task of doing Public Relations for the state of Florida has, shall we say, a challenging job. Here is a fake “leaked email” that I could see coming from that beleaguered PR office.

Greetings everyone.

Guys, I’m disappointed. This was supposed to be a huge year for us, what with the 500th anniversary of Florida’s discovery, the “Viva Florida” campaign and all the other great initiatives we’ve been working so hard on.

The attention seems to be backfiring. Have you seen all this stuff about Ponce de Leon being a fraud and calling our whole history into question? They’re just using this as one more way to shame us and frame us as “the crazy state.” We need to figure out how to deal with this.

The big question remains of how to engage this attention and unflattering press. Do we embrace the bad boy persona? Do we resist it? Do we ignore it and just keep pounding out uplifting press releases?

Either way we need to get a handle on this. Being a laughingstock is bad for business. We’re about one more idiot trying to ride a manatee away from losing all the progress we’ve made since the Bath Salts Zombie fiasco. Continue reading

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Florida Manatee Fights Forced Ridings

An open letter from a manatee upset with the recent trend of people trying to ride manatees. 

Greetings humans and other land-based creatures. I come to you today with a heavy, four-chamber heart. I want to address a delicate issue that demands the immediate attention of the international community – including those above the water and those under it as well.

We manatees unequivocally condemn and formally denounce all attempts to ride on us, and demand you stop this degrading practice at once.

Is it not enough to mercilessly run us over with your massive boats, hunt us for our precious body parts, or throw tantalizing non-food items at us that look just enough like lettuce to be confusing? Must you humiliate us further with this abhorrent behavior of trying to ride us? We will tolerate this no longer.

Perhaps you are thinking, “What are you gonna do about it manatees? You’re so big and slow we can do whatever we want to you.”

Yes, we are generally speaking a lumbering, peaceable species. But we should not be provoked. We are far more patient than your hot-tempered, destructive race, but we can only be pushed so far.

How will the manatee community respond if this shameful practice continues, you ask? While nature has neglected to give us a substantive means of self-defense in terms of brute force or physical combat, we do have options available to us that we will not hesitate to mobilize, should our hand (we say “flippers” but I’m using your language here for clarity) be forced.

Our serene countenance and adorable looks have endeared us to many of our aquatic brethren; some of whom are quite protective, vengeful and ill-tempered. We have friends who are highly venomous or pointy-billed, and some who have large, sharp teeth. We have developed excellent relations with the infamous candirus of South America, who delight in swimming into human bodies and exiting in shall we say, the most sensitive, painful way you can imagine.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

These are not threats. We manatees have been backed into a corner and pushed to the brink by your hurtful, gross conduct; much of which seems to take place in the region you call “Florida,” but we call “Warm Grass Munch World.” If the attempts to ride or mount us in any unauthorized manner continue, we will respond with swift, immediate action. We will respond with “ocean justice,” which is like your “street justice” or “prison rules,” but much more brutal. Do not be surprised when shark attacks increase, sailfish impalings become more commonplace, or your hospitals begin to fill with wailing, crotch-bandaged candiru victims.

You have been warned.

We are a simple species. We basically just float around and eat vegetation. We’re not hurting anyone. It is true that we produce a shocking amount of horrific gas — but does that make us unworthy of basic respect or decency?

I end with saying we are not so different. I have learned much about your ways. We both wean our young on milk, breathe air and struggle with body image issues, we both enjoy swimming and munching on lettuce – and dare I say we both want generally the same things for our young. Mammal to mammal, I ask for an immediate end to this undignified, uncalled for practice of trying to ride the noble manatee. I assure you we will afford the same respect in return.

 — Grassman the Manatee

Sad manatee photo via manatee.net

Sad manatee photo via manatee.net

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Filed under Flora + Fauna, Florida

Fake Friendships, Flying Frogs, Falcons & Flacco

What a week for F! The Falcons and the greatest F-QB since Frerotte, Gus – Flacco, Joe – both have a shot at the Super Bowl this weekend, Manti Te’o set us up beautifully for a Fake Friendships post, and Neatorama reported on a new species of flying frog. Whew, where to begin… Let’s start with the Te’o debacle.

Fake Friendships

You’re not going to believe this, but some people use the anonymity of the Internet to pass themselves off as something/someone they are not. I know right! Hard to believe. Notre Dame star Manti Te’o learned this lesson the hard way this week. Continue reading

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Filed under F Athletics, F Commentary

Fantastic Florida: Flickers of Hope

Dear Friends, Fellow Floridians, and Future Floridians (looking at you, every curmudgeon from the northeast who inevitably will end up down here; most probably in my neighborhood; or at least with my exact commute),

It has come to our attention that the fair state of Florida has gained a reputation for being somewhat of a, shall we say; horrifying embarrassment/kinda’ concerning* mega whirlwind of sharp, pointy garbage/shockingly dreadful malaise magnet/mushroom cloud of negativity/nationwide laughingstock.

Now, I understand the concerns. No doubt we’ve had our struggles. Generally speaking, we have our bizarre hunting accidents up north; our aberrant and illicit manatee-riding behavior in the middle; and of course our wanton killing, face eating, and cockfighting-related issues that affect our southern regions.

I get it.

Haha! Look at that state! It has so many problems! Look how dysfunctional they are!

With all due respect (if Ricky Bobby taught us anything, it’s that you can say anything so long as you preface it with an ‘all due respect), get out of our face, Ohio. Take a step back Kansas, Vermont, Massachusetts, Kentucky, Oregon, or North Dakota; no one can ever remember your capital city.** Don’t even start.

Ricky Bobby wisdom: You can say anything so long as you say "with all due respect."

Ricky Bobby wisdom: You can say anything to anyone, so long as you say “with all due respect.”

Just because we lead the nation in foreclosures, animal bites, retaliatory human-on-animal bites, most types of fraud, tacky things, staged accidents, bizarre news, and voting difficulties, you think you’re better than us? Continue reading

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