As we welcome a New Year, it’s time once again to unleash the groundless hunches, uneducated guesses and baseless predictions our new media have trained us to love so much. To honor our noble modern traditions: jumping to conclusions, inflaming passions for ratings’ sake, and of course biased, uninformed prognosticating on world events… we give you this list of things that may happen in the coming year.
- Upon hearing of rampant unrighteousness among penguins, the “Westboro Baptist Church” will sail to Antarctica to protest. The penguins will get a bit annoyed but for the most part tune them out.
- I will somehow be bitten/tusked by a wild boar and a tiger, thus completing the rare feat of having been bit by the entire* Chinese Zodiac animal roster. Completing the “Bitten by the Zodiac Cycle” will somehow be parlayed into an attempt to secure a General Tso’s For Life prize.
After this year’s rat bite, I’m just a boar, tiger and mythical dragon short of getting ‘bit by the cycle.’
Certain words make me hungry. Often times I read a word on a page that has nothing to do with food, but it triggers an immediate food association/ hunger response. Here are a few that set me off, along with any necessary explanations. Sometimes there are a couple degrees of separation.
General/Generally: General Tso. I have an insatiable desire for any and all Asian foods. I would eat extra spicy Gen. Tso’s for breakfast every day if it was a bit more affordable/socially acceptable.
Pad/Padding/Paddle: Thai Food
Boat: Sushi Boat
Balloon: Chips. The word balloon leads to baboon, which makes me think of all those mischievous baboons stealing bags of chips in Cape Town.
Penguin: Ice Cream. Specifically, penguins make me think of puffins, whose brightly colored beaks make me think of Creamsicle.
Cool: Cool Ranch Chips
Blubber/Blub/Bulbous/Walrus: Pork Belly or some good Fatty BBQ
Basically: Basil, which leads back to Thai Food
Forklift: Obviously 😉
Machine/Machinery: Mac and Cheez
Wood/Coal/Hut/Zone/Stuff… : Basically every word makes me think of pizza.
I could go on forever… These are just a few that are pretty locked in. As you can imagine reading has become very difficult for me.